6918

I haven’t been heckled in a while. Occasionally, you get a real asshole in the crowd who wants a little attention. They somehow feel they are part of the show and need to yell out stupid shit.

Tonight this girl didn't particularly like my face and she let it be known. I brushed it off and told her pleasantly to shut the fuck up, but when she wouldn't stop I let her have it. This anger seeped inside of me and I told her I would jerk off in her face. That’s a new slogan I should have. " If you don’t like me, I’ll jerk off on your face."

So I kept letting her have it and the crowd loved it. Even though I was being dirty and crude. She was such an annoying asshole who couldn't understand that a person could look like me. Then she yelled out something so absurd, "6918!"

Yeah, that makes sense. It must've been some ghetto term but I asked her what it meant and she could not answer.

I asked her if it was today's lotto numbers and the crowd loved it. I continued to bash her. Honestly she was helping me cause every time I insulted her the crowd went nuts. Despite this, I‘d much rather do my regular set.

As a comic, hecklers suck. They don't respect what we do and never got enough love or attention as a child, but when they need to be put in place, look out. Even this ugly guy will let u have it.

6918 to you bitch!

Vomit Omelet

I’m still soaking in last Wednesday night. Haven't written about it because I still needed consent from the Vomit Queen. Ok, for this story I will call her the Vomit Queen. She is a girl I am very fond of. She always makes me laugh, keeps me on my toes. As a matter of fact, she has written a few of my best jokes. We are very close friends and she knows more about me then anyone else. Her best compliment to me is that when we hang out she can truly be herself.

So why call her the Vomit Queen? Well, she has her very own blog (Read her version here) and I was referred to as "the goofy looking guy" so I’m just paying her back. Ok, so on with the story.

It’s 11pm, I’m doing a late show at a comedy club. I get a call and it’s the vomit queen, "Matty, I’m drunk."

She says it ten times. I don’t know how to respond, but I soon realize it’s a call for help. She went out with co-workers for drinks. Five JD's in an hour and the shit has hit the fan. She is downtown and has no money. I tell her to take a cab to the comedy club (midtown) and I'll pay for it.

The Queen is so drunk that in the cab she has to keep asking me what the address is. She can barely get the words out for the cabby. She finally arrives and she don't look too good. I sit her in the lounge and she passes out in seconds. I wake her up and she begs me to take her home.

I have to make a tough decision and I give up my comedy spot. Problem is I don’t have any money so we take a cab near where she lives to an ATM machine. Again, she falls asleep in the cab. I ask her if she can walk home and she says yes, but she is starting to stumble. We are only a few blocks away but she needs another cab. So I get the most annoying cab driver who talks my ear off. Meanwhile, I got the queen half-dead next to me trying to throw up. The cab driver takes a wrong turn and that pisses me off. So I get out a block away and its now my mission to get the queen safely into her apartment.

As soon as she gets out of the cab she collapses to the sidewalk. It’s not a good sight. I pick her up and we make it to her place. She collapses in her bed and I’m thinking the tough part is over.

HERE COMES THE VOMIT

It shot out like a volcano. Big chunks of beef covered in disgusting liquid. It spilled onto her bed for 30 seconds. I watched in utter terror. Then the Queen put her arm in the vomit and moved it around the bed for good measure. Umm, and I thought tonight would be a normal night of comedy.

I get her in the bathroom and clean her up. Then, she demands to sleep so she heads to her couch. Here is the weird part, the Queen removes her shirt and bra. She is topless, ready to pass out. As I m asking her if she's ok, I stare at her beautiful breasts and say, "I might as well take a good look."

The Queen laughs as she falls asleep in pants and nothing else.

The next hour I start cleaning. I clean all the vomit. Put her sheets and blankets in plastic bags ready to go to the Laundromat. It’s kind of weird. The Queen is quite protective of her apartment. There are certain chairs I cant sit on and she doesn't even like me peeing in her toilet because she thinks I have no aim, but now I feel like it’s my own. I take a nice big leak. Take a look at her fridge, and even answer her phone, but hey I cleaned up all her vomit.

I even take her keys and leave to get a sandwich. Oh, and I’m watching Sportscenter. That’s a sin in her place. She hates when I watch sports. Then, elimiDATE comes on and she finally starts waking up. I ooh and awww at dumb bimbos throwing drinks at each other and she asks me, "what happened?"

"What happened? You vomited in you're bed. You fell asleep topless, and your vomit just went down your garbage shoot."

The Vomit Queen laughs. Just another crazy night in her life. I was there to experience it with her. She was very thankful that I got her through the night and cleaned the vomit. And I was thankful I got to see her beautiful breasts. I love doing comedy but a good set of breasts always beats a comedy set. Hey, most important thing is the Vomit Queen sobered up and to her credit went to work the next day.

Matty