I always get the question whether I get more chicks doing comedy. Am I in it for the chicks or are there comedian groupies?
Ok, this will be one of my finest journal entries. I will now expose the truth of what goes on between the comics and ladies. I hate to disappoint most of you but this won't read like an 80's rock star tour bus log. Plenty of rejection and plenty of ewww.
I will tell you that guy like me will get more girls from doing comedy just for the fact that I'm confident enough to go on stage and perform. Therefore, it’s quite easy to have a decent rap to a lady. Plus, there is plenty of alcohol at comedy clubs and a girl’s judgement really decreases.
Goddamn, I don't know where to start. I'll say the best girls to go after are tourists. They give you the best star treatment and think they are partying with celebrities. The farthest I ever got with a tourist was this girl from North Carolina. I don't remember her name. I knew she was into me because she kept touching me in the hallway. After the show I pulled her into the back of the room and we started making out. We ended up in the bathroom and she did give my penis a few tugs (yes, my parents read this and they will be proud). That’s as far as it got. Afterwards I felt kind of sick cause her tongue had this weird alcohol aftertaste. Plus, I didn't even know her friggin name.
There is a term we used to called “sealing the deal,” that’s going all the way. Most guys don't seal the deal. But, there was one comic who always did and he had quite a rap to the tourist girls.
Comic- So what do you want to do?
Bimbo- I wanna go clubbing.
Comic- I know a hot club where we can go. BUT, I can only get one person on the guest list (this means your fat or gay friend is not invited).
Bimbo- Ok, let’s go.
That certain comic takes her to a random bar near his apartment, then takes her home for sex. There is no hot club and there is no guest list.
A lot of times we will invite girls out for drinks with the hope to get action. Big mistake. Majority of the time the girls think we invite them out because we think they are funny like us, and we want them to be a part of our crew. They have no idea how the male brain works. It usually becomes a big mess and you learn a lot about Minnesota and their major in college.
I stay away from girl comics. There is no way a healthy relationship can be forged. A lot of young girl comics flirt with me and I actually believe they like me. I watch their set and lie to them and tell them how funny they are and they have a future in comedy (note: not one of these girl comics is still in the game).
But, it works both ways. Once they realize I have no connections they feel no need to flirt anymore.
Since I’ve become a comedian, I've managed to have 2 steady girlfriends. I dated this really lame girl from NYU, but I won't count her. I did meet her at a comedy club though. She was an audience member who dug my act and we exchanged numbers. She freaked me out though. She told me if her 18-year-old brother ever tried drugs she would kill him. I was like, "let the kid experiment." After a few dates we never called each other. She was way too anal about school.
Then I dated this girl who had stripper looks and stripper brains. She wasn't too smart but I was dating her for all the wrong reasons. I'm not talking about physical things, I enjoyed walking with her on my side at the comedy club. I loved the attention. I always heard, "there goes Matty and his hot girlfriend."
But she got real annoying. She would laugh at every joke by every comic. I'm talking every comic. It almost seemed phony. Then she would give me outrageous compliments, "Matty, your arms are so big. You have such a hot body."
I just sat there in amazement. Was she blind? If she wanted to give me a sincere compliment she could've at least said I had a nice personality.
We went out for two months and she left me for another comic because he had a motorcycle. Everyone thought I would be pissed, but I honestly felt like he did me a favor. I was trying to break up with her because all she ever talked about was her nails. But, in the record books it will go down as another comic stole Matty's girl.
After that debacle, I decided to take time away from girls and just focus on comedy. But, a week later I met another girl and I instantly fell in love. We had so much fun together. We were two crazy characters who truly embraced our insanity. I stopped looking for girls at the club. And, I strictly focused on my act and I saw a major improvement.
A major downfall with many comics is they are doing their act to get laid. And, I was guilty of that. But now I don't care. I stopped trying to pick up girls and I'm there to get better. But, we all know that is B.S. Forgive me for being a typical man with raging hormones.
Matty
