Alien Brain!

It was a few days after Christmas. Comedy was getting stagnant. Same crowds, same comics. I needed a break. And then came Alien Brain. Alien Brain? What the fuck does that mean? Well, it’s a comic's name. He was so out there, so nutty, I instantly grew very fond of him.

So, on that cold December night he showed up in a beat-up station wagon loaded with his friends. They all looked like the loser crew in high school, but they were very loyal to their Brain.

Before Brain's first show I told him I would watch him. His first show he was quite rusty and so unpolished, but he would throw in a brilliant joke when you least expected it. His friends chanted his name as he walked off the stage.

I told him he was weirder than I was and he if goes for it I thought he could be really special. I also told him to use his real name, and he replied, "but I'm the brain."

We soon became close, fast friends. We liked the same music and had the same outsider's mentality. Brain started looking up to me. He saw how a guy like me who never fit in had found a home in comedy, but the Brain is just too out there. Like his name, he may be from another planet.

Brain's biggest problem is he doesn't know how to network. He feels so uncomfortable talking himself up or asking club owners for spots. I brought him to a club to get him in, and all he had to do was be somewhat normal. Here’s the conversation between a club booker and the two of us:

Booker- So are you funny?

Alien- Uh, what’s the question?

Matty- Yes, he is very funny.


I’m not trying to show off like I'm a saint but the Brain needs to know that part of succeeding in comedy is doing work offstage.

Alien Brain is one of my best friends in comedy. I enjoy the long talks we have at night. He recently got thrown out of a club. That’s 2 this year. He pretty much does something dumb to fuck things up without even trying.

At one club the manager just never quite understood him. And managers like getting their asses kissed. It's important for comics to do that. Brain just couldn't. So, he was let go and told there would be no stage time.

His friend visited him at the next club, bought food and split without paying. So, Brain paid for it by getting the quick heave-ho. His style of comedy was also really out there for the mainstream room.

But, Brain will make it. I’m not psychic but he claims he is. One time he said to me, "Matty, because I'm the Alien Brain I saw into the future. You are going to be a big star."

Matty

I, Robot will Never Die

I was ready to fall asleep. The motivation wasn't there to write a new entry, but it was bothering me. Stuck in the back of my mind. I needed to write something new. Here it is...

I got booked for a road gig in Pleasantville, NY in July, and also somewhere in Connecticut. It’s great to get out of the city and perform. Crowds are super-friendly and are there to have a great time.

For those of you who don't know, I grew up in Woodstock, NY, and two hours north of the big city. I have been offered to perform there many times but my Mother won't let me. She knows my act can be crude at times and she would rather have me keep it out of our backyard. I respect her wishes, but I want to perform there so bad.

A lot of kids that I went to high school with still live there and I want to do my thing. Plus, there is some sort of revenge factor. To show all that doubted me that I can actually do something. My Mother reads this, so I need you the readers to convince Ms. Goldberg to let me come home and put on a show. I'll even split the pay with her.

Ok, that’s it for now. It’s bedtime. Perhaps in my next entry I will tell you about the funniest Goldberg in my nuclear family. It’s not me. By the way, the best band out right now is Coheed and Cambria. They pump me up for comedy.

Matty

Sal and Rolando

I've been pretty rough on the audience with this whole heckling thing, but when you get a good crowd the audience can be really special. Tonight I hosted a show and I really got to know the people. Here is a nice description of some of the more interesting spectators whom I entertained:

Hipster Couple- I ask the guy typical comedy question, "where you from?" He replies, "Upper West Side."

I ask him again where he is really from and he meekly says Wisconsin. It’s much cooler to say NYC, but doesn't he realize Upper West Side ain't tough. I ask him if he is an actor and he says yes. Then I ask him what restaurant he works at. Must say he and the girl seemed pretty happy and were good sports.


Medical Students- It’s a guy and girl who claim they aren't dating but you can see they kind of dig each other. They say how they do 16 hours a day at the hospital and tonight is their one night off. I really hope chemistry happens after the show. I can't picture a night of anal sex though. I see more of a walk through Central Park ending with a soft, wet kiss.


Sal and Rolando - Ok, here are my favorite crowd members, Sal and Rolando. Here’s the story. Sal is a waiter at a restaurant in Little Italy. He waits on six hot chicks from New Jersey. They seem nice and horny so he pulls out all the stops. He buys them a free bottle of wine. Then he calls his best friend Rolando, another handsome Italian stallion ready for a night of love. I can imagine the conversation.

Sal on phone- “Hey Rolando. I 'm waiting on six hot chicks. I'm getting them drunk and they seem horny. I think we have a chance to fuck them. Get here now, they want to hang out. And you owe me one.”


So they all end up at the comedy club and they all are great laughers and make the show fun. I took a picture with the girls. Very nice ladies who will all be good suitors for Sal and Rolando. They promised to send me the pic and I promise to put it up when I get it.

Tonight was a lot of fun. I'll leave it at that.

Matty

Sailin' On

I'm keeping this journal about my adventures in comedy. I really didn't appreciate the comments by people. This isn't a public forum to bash any person unless they are in the comedy business. I thought most of the comments were tasteless and untrue.

I want to tell you guys about a real scumbag whom I will never forget. This is a certain club manager that gave me a bad report to a higher authority. He saw me once in front of 6 people when I was sick. He also lied to my face and said he enjoyed me. I won’t forget you pal.

I'll go into more detail tonight, but these are the real assholes. The people who mess with your career when you work real hard.

Matty