The Curse Lives On

I'm going to talk about my other passion besides comedy, Red Sox baseball. The past 3 days the hated Yankees drubbed them. It’s been real painful. The last two games were losses in the usual heartbreaking fashion. And, of course, we remember what happened last year with Aaron “bleeping” Boone.

For the past few nights, Times Square was full of Red Sox fans looking for a bar to drown their sorrows. I think my comedy can help to alleviate the pain. So, Red Sox fans, after a tough loss come see me perform and afterwards we can rejoice.

Tonight, after doing a comedy spot, I was at an empty diner with a buddy. A father, two sons and a daughter walk in wearing their Red Sox gear. The kids are young but I know that they feel the pain. Part of me is thinking this is child abuse for a father to turn their kids into Sox fans. My father did that to me. I start talking to him and we begin to trade war stories, "86 was so painful," I say and he’ll respond with memories of '75.

Then, his son steps outside the diner and starts puking on the sidewalk, ala vomit omelet. We all walk out to see if he is ok. Usually, you blame it on the food, but us Red Sox fans know better. It was another tough loss.

Matty

5 Minutes of Glory

Hey, after you read this, check out the new Wallpaper page. There are a few more wallpaper options and some really great pictures of me. I got a great e-mail from this guy who told me he put up the wallpaper on his computer. Unfortunately, his wife was sickened by my face and made him take it off. I'm bringing love to families all around.

So, I saw a comedy buddy of mine perform on Craig Kilborn last night. As a comic it’s quite an honor to perform on a late night show and he did very well. He was also one of the first comics I ever met and who gave me a chance to perform. Here is the story...

In my first six months of comedy I used to hang out with this guy Tim. I don't mention names on this, but since Tim no longer does comedy he can't hurt me in the business, I'll mention him by his first name. Tim was a real positive guy. He told me we both were going to make it. He also said that we should make a pact that we would get on stage everynight.

Tim took a short vacation to Vegas, and when he came back he had different goals. He showed me pictures on a digital camera of him going down on different girls. He then said he was moving to Vegas. From what I heard he and a few friends started a porno website and those were pictures from it.

But he introduced me to the cockiest guy I ever met, a comic who was starting to pick up heat. The comic was running his own shows at the now defunct Hamburger Harry's. It was right off Times Square and they would get customers by passing out flyers on the street. When I first met this guy I was really shy and didn't sell myself well. But Tim convinced him to use me and I always thank him for it.

My time at Hamburger Harry's was quite rough. I bombed a lot and never felt comfortable in the room. Oh, and the food sucked ass too, but that has nothing to do with this. I know a lot of the comics were bickering, "Why are you using this kid. He stinks." But he never listened to them.

To this guy's credit, he passed out flyers (barked) in the dead of winter so he could get stage time. He took pride in doing what he had to do. I can remember cold winter days where almost every comic cancelled and there was just a few of us prepared to go out and try to have a show. He would always say, "We showed up because we want it. This will make us stronger." It was cliche but it kind of made the situation feel much better.

So, this guy kept doing his own shows and soon he got a lot of shit from other comics. Guys would rip on him because he was a few years into comedy and he was still barking. But, he kept doing his thing and it certainly paid off.

Tonight he made his mark on TV. He stood out and only bigger things will come from this. I am sincerely happy for him and he deserves whatever comes next. I'll always remember him telling me after I bombed to keep my head up and that I'm going to be a big time comic. It meant a lot to me. And then we had sex. Ok, that’s not true, but this blog is heading that way.

Matty

A Few Things on My Mind and the Wu Tang Clan

The genius who put together my website, merchandise, and marketing campaign has made me little flyers to hand out after the show. It’s the picture of me and the slogan, "Please Pardon my appearance. Thank You." I can't tell you how great it is to watch people really enjoy and laugh when they get the flyer. Like they are taking home a souvenir.

When I give it to a guy I say, "Take this. Something to masturbate to later." Oh, I say the same thing for girls too. Hey, it’s very funny and remember it looks great on a t-shirt.

I got a strange call from this promoter. "Hey, you want to warm up for Wu Tang Clan tonight in Brooklyn?"

Wow, imagine Matty Goldberg and Wu Tang Clan. You can't get much different then that. Only more odd combination is me warming up the Republican National Convention. Matty Goldberg and then George Bush. I'm thinking what audience would hate me more.

So, I think in the end the producer had cold feet and his experiment of bringing two cultures together will have to be tried another time. I was thinking in my fantasy that I'm hanging with the Wu dudes. And, we be sipping on 40's and smoking mad blunts because I keep it real.

Most likely I get booed off the stage and I attempt to leave in one piece.

So, I'm a single guy. I've been invited to a rooftop party with plenty of eligible, Jewish girls. We’re talking quality J-date material. Problem is I know they want nothing to do with me. First off, comedians don't make shit. These girls want doctors, lawyers, and businessmen. Right now, I'm gathering up all my change in my apartment and I'm taking it to a penny arcade to cash it in. I think I can get 15 dollars. Should I lie to these girls? They are all doctors too. But hey, I got my own t-shirt. If I'm judged by my career status I at least know somewhere out there my face is on someone's chest. Preferably a girl.

Matty

I'm Back

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. I was cat sitting for my older sister and she took the computer leaving me with no entertainment. I was stuck in this huge apartment on the Upper West Side with no computer, no lady and no digital cable. It was lonely. I had plenty of The Shining moments. I was throwing a tennis ball against the wall pretending the Red Sox were beating the Yankees. Much like Jack did before he decided he should kill Olive Oil.

First off, I haven't watched one episode of Last Comic Standing. I have no idea what’s going on nor do I care. I mention this because I get phone calls from friends who complain to me about what’s going on. All I can say is its a friggin reality TV show. Who cares. I know there is plenty of BS and of course the funniest comics aren't being featured. But, watch MTV and you will see that the shittiest commercials and music is being played.

With that said, I would gladly be on the show in a heartbeat. It’s great exposure and I could use the money.

I thought I had an invited audition to try out for Last Comic Standing, but it fell through. And, here is my point of this journal, comedy managers are worthless.

I flirted with a manager for a few months. It watered my mouth. Made me believe he was going to turn me into a star. I should've known this was a lie after our first meeting. You see it’s where we went for our first sit-down meeting. I got in his car and we headed to Gray's Papaya; Manager's treat. I don't eat hot dogs, so I got a drink. Then we got in his car, drove around and we discussed my act. You think he could've at least taken me to McDonalds. But no, had to be 2 hot dogs for a dollar. And, then quality time in a stuffy car.

I shared this story for another comic and he shared a similar story. He told me this manager took him to a restaurant where you order off the wall. Then the manager said, "I'm not going to eat, but order what you want." The guy couldn't afford his own meal.

And these guys think they have the answers to making us big stars?

So back in the winter, the manager tells me he talked to the producer of Last Comic Standing. He said go down, say you are my client and they will look at you right away. So I walk down and I see this huge line of freezing comics waiting to be seen. I'm thinking I'm special because I'm going to just walk right in.

I ask to speak to the producer and after 5 minutes he comes over. I name-drop my manager and he looks at me like I just grew an extra head. "Who? Who told you that?"

I look at the guy, and he seems busy and exhausted. And obviously it’s not his fault that he has no idea what I'm talking about. \Anyone can come up with a hokey excuse to try to avoid the line. So I apologize to him for wasting his time. He knew I felt dumb too, and then he asked me, "You're telling me this guy who I never met used my name?"

I felt even dumber. I thanked him for his time and I walked away. I guess my point is that comedy managers are just as clueless as comics. If there is any hope the best thing is to find an agent or manager that deals more with movies and television. Comedy Managers have no pull.

Matty