Dutch Oven

In comedy good news is hard to come by. Very rarely do you say, "NBC has contacted me and we are in negotiations for my own sit-com."

This Dutch journalist interviewed me for a radio program on stand-up comedy. It will be aired on radio in Holland only. Oh, and it will be in the native Dutch language so we won't understand it anyway. That’s the type of thing that we get on the way to stardom.

However, I do want to thank Micha for interviewing me and bringing my story to the Dutch people. I hope the story is informative and entertaining. Most importantly, I hope the web-site gets plenty of hits in Holland.

Ok, I need to spice this journal up. How about a good sex story?

This is going back to the Summer of 2000. It was something to remember. I was living in the West Village in my older sister's apartment. It was right off Bleeker Street in the heart of the action.

I actually made plans with this girl to hang out and spend the night and when we were alone she couldn't resist me. Even I was wondering what she was thinking. So, we made sweet, passionate love late at night and we both got the munchies. Me being the gentleman suggested that I walk to McDonald's and bring back fries and a milkshake.

So here’s the crazy part. Any girl who spends intimate time with me is nuts and she thinks against the grain. She thought it would be funny if she put the used condom in my back pocket without me knowing.

So, I'm standing in McDonalds on West 4th Street. It’s kind of empty; just a few customers and an employee mopping the floor. I'm in line and I look down and I see a goddamn used CONDOM. I'm thinking how gross and the guy mopping must have missed it. Then a thought hits me. That’s MY used condom. It must've been stuck to my clothes. I couldn't leave it there. I didn't want anyone who worked there to get in trouble. So, I kicked it into the bathroom, picked it up with a paper towel and flushed it into the Hudson River.

When I got back, I told the girl what happened and she confessed to putting it in my back pocket. I'm wondering how it fell out. So am I mad? NO. It was funny and things like that makes life interesting. And, I can't complain because she did have sex with me. Hope you enjoyed.

Matty

None More Negative

I don't understand. It’s a hot, beautiful night in the best city in the world. I'm at a comedy club doing what I love to do and all I hear is the bitching and moaning of a certain comic. How he’s under appreciated. How the business is screwing him over. How the club I'm at has no respect for him. He keeps complaining and I finally say, "If you hate it, then why are you here?"

It makes him even angrier, so I walk away. He ain't going to ruin my high. So, he finally apologizes to me for acting so crazy, but I'm still annoyed. Truth is being at the club and doing comedy is the best thing that’s happened to me. Don't feel lame about saying that. I have bitched about things in the past but deep down I realize how fortunate I am.

I was in a certain situation with a person and they said, "Matty, you really have a good life." They are so right.

Matty

I'm Not Drunk

I'm here to tell you people that I'm not drunk. I rarely ever drink. Only on a very special occasions. Last time I was drunk was in April and it was my birthday. I don't do well with alcohol. That night I was on the street screaming, “I have a boner!” The time before that I drank one beer and I got totally sick. I stumbled home and my body temperature dropped to an uncomfortable level. It wasn't pretty and that was from just one beer.

Why do I bring this up? Everyone seems to think that I'm drunk all the time. This waitress at a club told me when she first met me she thought I was an ass because I was sloppy drunk. Don't remember the time but I wasn't drunk. A day later another waitress asked me if I was drunk. These incidences go all the way back to college before I even did stand-up. One time this guy said to me,"Matty, I think you are a cool dude because your drunk all the time." I broke the news that I never drink and he was stunned. I think I just get tired easily and stumble around so I look messed up. Or, it could be the pain killers I'm addicted to, but I'm telling you people I DON'T DRINK!!!

A little correction I want to make: I said all comedy managers are worthless. I'll tell you what, the person who is managing me now is doing a kick-ass job and has done more for me in a month than the previous manager did in 6 months. It just takes someone who understands you. I have found that in my current manager and I'm very grateful.

More to come tomorrow

Matty