Origin of the Fong

Sorry no entry last night. Just real out of it and took the night off. To update you on the situation of the anonymous girl who I invited out to drinks. She e-mailed me back, and unfortunately let me know she was seeing someone. Usually, I'd be real bitter about this but she wrote such nice letter telling me how flattered she was that I almost believe her.

Moving on, let’s talk about one of my products that seems to put people into a bit of a stir. I'm talking about the Matty Goldberg Classic Thong. First off, I'm one of the few guys out there who doesn't find thongs sexy. In fact, I find them kind of gross. I actually prefer Granny panties over thongs. But, unfortunately, there is no Matty Granny Panty. That would be really sexy. Ok, but back to the thong. I can't get over the word Classic. Why is it a Classic thong?

Only other product I know that uses the word classic is Coca Cola. The story behind that was Coke changed its formula. It was a huge bust and then went back to the old formula with the name of Coca Cola Classic. So did the thong ever change? Does anybody know this who has some sort of huge panty fetish? I wonder what was so different about the failed thong. It’s racking my brain right now.

I'm heading to Pleasantville tomorrow. Can't wait. Hopefully a good road crowd. I'll tell you all about it.

Matty

The Lizard King

My manager invites me up to her office. She warns me to not say anything stupid or act like an idiot. I promise I won't, but even if I do my best to act normal it ain't gonna happen.

So, the cool part about her office is that my flyer is hanging on many of her co-workers walls. The message is getting out. So she introduces me to a co-worker who happens to be standing there with her mother. Manager says,"This is Matty, the guy in the flyer."

Thing is right now I don't look like the clean nebbish in the picture. My hair is long and I got a few days growth on my face. They think I look different too, and act a little surprised that I'm the same guy. So I tell them I'm going through my Jim Morrison phase.

Oh man, if you could've seen their faces. The mother looks at me with great disdain and says, " Jim Morrison is dead."

Like, grow up kid. Look clean cut, responsible and join the world. Why the hell would any one look like Jim Morrison. My manager had to explain I'm a comedian, therefore I'm going to be a little weird.

Point is I don't have a point. I thought I was going to say something profound and tie this incident with the current political state of conservative values, but I wouldn't make any sense. If there is an ending to the story it’s my manager let me know that I'm never allowed to visit her office again.

To the anonymous writer on my sensitive journal, this may be shameless, but I'd like to ask you to a drink. You can answer via comment or e-mail me if you prefer, but please don't turn me down with a comment. I don't need the readers to feel my pain.

"Into this world were born, into this house were thrown, riders on the storm"

Matty

Why Do They Call You Booger?

So, my last entry made me look like a girly man, like a sensitive boy, aclown who entertains people all night and then goes home alone to cry. The feedback I got was some enjoyed me being serious and others wanted some good, raunchy stuff. So, for those of you who don't want sensitive Matty here is the other side.

I met a cool guy tonight from Chicago who told me I looked like Booger. Anyone remember the guy who won the belching contest in Revenge of The Nerds? AKA Dudley Dawson. Ok, I've been told I look like a lot of guys. Some kind of flattering. Some really repulsive. In fact I did a whole entry about people saying I looked like Gilbert Gottfried. But I congratulated this fine gentleman because Booger is the worst looking guy I've been compared to. That’s quite hard to top my already shameful list of geek celebs I resemble.

For your pleasure, here is a list of the top 5 worst celebs I've been compared to. And, what the hell, I'll throw a list of flattering celebs.

Top 5 Most Unflattering:
5. Jerry Lewis
4. Rick Moranis
3. White Steve Erkel
2. Gilbert Gottfried
1. Booger

Top 5 Most Flattering Celebs:
5. Adam Sandler
4. Male Faruza Balk (What the hell does that mean?)
3. Ben Stiller on crack
2. Woody Allen (Simply for the fact that he is so talented)
1. Elvis Costello

What’s great about the comedy world is this guy can tell me I look like Booger. Then a second later he says I'm going to be famous. I sign a Matty flyer for him and he says that when I make it he’ll sell it on E-bay. He wasn't joking either. He made me sign it a certain way so it wouldn't lose value. I wrote this.
 

To Matt,

Thanks for heckling. I love fruit loops.

Matty Goldberg
 

Ok, moving on. I love to have fun with the other comics in the bar. It’s like a locker room. One of the comics challenged me to hit on a female comic in a skeevy way, and I was up to it. Here is the conversation:

Matty- Hey babe, what you doing?

Female Comic- Umm, waiting to go up.

Matty- How about after the show we go out and I liquor you up?

Female Comic- You say lick me up? What? (Disturbed)

Matty- Sure, I'll liquor you up and then lick you up.

Female Comic- I have a husband.

Matty- So, he can join us too.

Female Comic- Gee, I'm going to do a spot at the Laugh Factory, but you're offer sounds so tempting. (Much sarcasm)

Matty- Screw the laugh factory, the place was evacuated anyway.

If you didn't find that funny It’s one of those you had to be there moments. All the other comics were dying laughing. Goodnight y'all and until tomorrow.

P.S. Sign up to the mailing list
P.P.S. The products are hot. Keep up you're buying.
 
Matty

Sensitive Time

Sometimes shit swirls in your mind and you start to believe things. Sometimes I don't believe that I connect with the rest of the world. I don't function properly in society. I don't know why I feel so comfortable and sure of myself on stage, and so confused in everyday life.

Friday night I had a really rocking set. I felt this great connection between me and the audience. After the show I was invited out by a couple of the comics to get a few drinks at a bar. Seems quite normal. Yet I felt so out of place. There was this beautiful girl there who saw me perform and in my head I assumed that there was no way she could like me.

So, I'm at this bar, the music is loud, I don't drink. I'm getting more uptight as everyone around me is loosening up. This couple is making out in front of me and its starting to annoy me. I have to get out of here. Its not my scene, its not me. So I bolt.

I head to a hip bar to meet my younger sister in Brooklyn. Again, I feel out of place. I feel uncool, unworthy. Now I just need to go home.

The next day the comic who I went to the bar with tells me that the beautiful girl talked about me all night. She was puzzled why I left and in fact she showed signs of liking me. I still don't believe it. I just think she thought I was funny and a character.

So what else goes on through my mind? I realize how much I missed my best friend. We were having a dumb little fight that night so we weren't hanging out. But, when we are together I feel calm and like I can be myself. I'm not scared of saying anything. This person understands Matty onstage and Matty offstage. At this time I just wanted to be in their company.

This brings up something. I can be charming and likable onstage and offstage I say the wrong things, but honestly there isn't much difference between the two people. I'm pretty much the same person. My theory is all in the power performance. There is definitely some sort of poetic license that myself and all burned out rock stars need.

My best analogy is Steven Tyler (Singer of Aerosmith). Walk down St. Marx Place and there are tons of strung out looking guys with long hair, spandex pants, and goofy boots, but if you're in a band you become successful then your look becomes quite acceptable.

How does this relate to me? I can get away with being Matty on stage, but I'm struggling with it the rest of the time. Am I making sense? You tell me.
 
Matty