CHEF AL, You Will Be Missed

There are always characters that make life interesting. Familiar faces that makes you feel comfortable. Chef Al was a special, funny guy. We used to exchange off color jokes all night and he made me laugh. No, he didn't die but at he was fired from a certain comedy club/restaurant I perform at. Everybody liked him and was upset he got fired but it’s like after ten seconds of feeling bad it’s back to our lives. We again begin to worry about ourselves.

So, I had a strange dream about Chef Al. He couldn't speak because the tears flowed too fast from his face. He was crying on my shoulder. In this dream I did not say anything. That’s all I can remember.

I'm not going to say that I'm this wonderful person who cares more then anyone else, because I'm not. I guess my point is that we as humans are so condition to hear others misfortune that it rarely affects us. Only in strange dreams.

It’s crazy that I have seen a lot of my comic buddies get banned from clubs or fucked over by the business but it doesn't bother me. It can't bother me. If it did I would be in the wrong business. Am I making sense?

Matty

Taking a Chance

There are those nights that you do your thing and you just wanna go home and then somebody says, "Hey man, you wanna party?" and you turn them down. And, then there are those times when you say "Why not?" And so, Monday night I found myself in ghetto Brooklyn at some house party and at first it seemed quite casual. Most parties I usually wear a lampshade on my head and sit in the corner and pet the dog but that night I was the life of the party.

What got into me? I started break dancing and nearly broke my neck. Then, someone broke out the acoustic guitar and it turned into Matty sings the blues. It sounded like a cross between George Thorogood and Gilbert Gottfried. There was more soul in a pair of Kmart sneakers than in my voice but everybody was stoned and pretty much enjoyed my original blues jams.

At 4am I'm having pancakes at a skuzzy diner with a new friend. Ten minutes into the conversation I learned that this guys lived a life reminiscent of Doogie Howser. He graduated from high school in the tenth grade. I think I found my new chess buddy. I’m glad I went out.

Matty

Matty G Fun Facts

What a beautiful weekend. Nice weather and plenty of comedy. Wow, nothing to bitch about. So, I figure why not give you some odd known facts about me. Enjoy!

WHEN I WAS 12, I WAS PUNK ROCK- That’s right. I had a Mohawk for a good week and wore army fatigues. I wanted anarchy in my elementary school but I don't think anyone took me seriously. My favorite punk band was Dead Milkman. I made my grandma buy me the record.

I WAS ONCE AN ACCOMPLISHED DRUMMER- I was first chair in all-county band. I was the snare drummer in my high school's marching band and I was in various horrible punk bands in my area. I bet you never heard of Demon Seed, No Such Animal, No IQ, Sacred Kow, or Sad Sack. I hit the skins for all of these bands.

I ONCE DATED THREE GIRLS IN ONE DAY- In the fifth grade I was a stud. It went all downhill from there. I don't want to mention any girls’ names here because they might be embarrassed, but they know they wanted this piece.

I AM A LONG SUFFERING RED SOX FAN- I have written about this before, but I must restate my love for the old town team. I go back to the days of Oil Can Boyd, Bruce Hurst and Jimmy Rice. I have stuck with them through all the lean and heartbreaking years. Not in my lifetime but my grandson's will they win the World Series.

I OWN TWO SARAH BRIGHTMAN CD'S- And I still have my testicles.

I MASTURBATE WITH ALUMINUM FOIL- That’s not true. Just needed to say something low brow.

I WAS ONCE ARRESTED- For bashing mailboxes with friends. We were cuffed and held all night at the station. I'm stunned I never peed my pants because we weren't allowed to use the bathroom.

A DOG ONCE LICKED MY PENIS- That may or may not be true. If it is true then it was against my will.

I LOVE THE ALI G SHOW- I can't get enough of it. All the characters are great. I watch it over and over.

THROUGHOUT MY LIFE SOME OF MY NICKNAMES HAVE BEEN- Matty G, MG Goldberg, Matt the Rat, Snookie, Metal, Crazy Matty, Beaver.

MY HIGHEST BOWLING SCORE WAS 168- Who the fuck cares.

MY LEFT FOOT IS BIGGER THAN MY RIGHT FOOT- Now I'm running out of stuff so I'll stop there. Hope you enjoyed and learned more about me.

Matty