Thoughts from August 20

There’s a short article about me in this new comedy publication, The Comical. I really believe it will take off. My piece is self-written, expressing what comedy means to me and similar to what I write in this blog. For more info you can go to www.thecomical.com. Hopefully, it will give me a nice self-esteem boost and some exposure.

What the hell happened to Miccha, the Dutch guy who interviewed me for Holland radio? Are you alive? Do you remember me? I'd love an e-mail. What the hell? Me being paranoid, I think he’s pissed at me but it’s probably not the case. More likely he is real busy.

Last Friday I got paid to eat all the checks on a show of 150 people. I go on stage when every bill is dropped and the audience stops paying attention to the show because they are to busy trying to figure out if they really had 17 bottles of Amstel Light. I'm basically going up and taking one for the team but it was a challenge and I ended up having a good set. I just worked to the people who weren't paying their bills. By the end of the set everyone was listening and into me. I took all the checks like a man and I still had more for the crowd.

Tonight I got a nasty checkspot and I hung in there. My exercise on Friday really paid off. Checks used to fluster me and break my rhythm. Now, I look forward to it as a tough exercise.

Football season nears upon us, which means my fantasy draft is on Sunday. I'm pumped up. I might even put on cleats and a helmet for this. My league is mostly made of comics which means the stakes are certainly raised. In a regular league made up of office buddies, a friendly wager could mean the loser buys the winner breakfast for a week. Not with comics. If I lose to a certain peer, I have to wear a diaper on stage. If he loses, a Ballet Tutu. I know I'm going to win.

Tonight was a beautiful summer night. I was at a comedy club all night. No place I'd rather be.

Matty

Back In Portchester

I just learned that I have been booked to perform in Port Chester, NY on September 13th. Outside of New York City, this is my favorite place to perform. The crowds are huge and every time I go there it’s amazing. The crowds go nuts with everything I say. Even when I insult the whole town they love me.

The first time I performed there was July 2003. It was more than a show. It was a wild night in my life. Port Chester is quite close to my alma mater of SUNY Purchase. I was surprised to see a couple of college buddies at the show. So, they invited me to hang out afterwards. I said why not.

So, first we go to this redneck bar and it’s extremely filthy. I start to regret sticking around. I kind of wished I hopped on a train and went back to Brooklyn when I had the chance but now it’s too late. I convinced the kids to leave, and we head back to this huge house in Connecticut. It’s in the middle of the woods and now I'm totally regretting not going home. In my mind, I'm thinking will I ever get out of here?

The kids are all very cool but all of them dropped out of college. They’re all rich, smart but so unmotivated. Then they pull out cocaine and start snorting it in front of me. I'm not feeling this but I have to do something. I decide to give them a lecture.

"Look at you kids. Smart, handsome, young with the whole world in front of you. What the fuck are you guys doing?"

One kid gave me a dirty look, like stop ruining my fucking high. And one kid listened. The kid that listened was like, "yeah dude, you have a point." Right after he said that though more powder went up his nose.

And, then I met this crazy girl. Damn she was crazy. I think we traded crazy stories all night. I was kinda into her even though her life was a wreck. Her dad was in the Mafia and was hiding in Florida and she dealt drugs in college. I'm normally not attracted to this type of stuff, but there was something so fragile about her that in my dumb head I felt I could save her. Guys think this stupid shit and girls just think guys are retarded.

So we sat on the couch all night, talking and I guess connecting. While her boyfriend was sleeping in a room a few feet away. I was too afraid to make a move so nothing happened. Probably better off. The next time I went to Port Chester she was a waitress at the show.

We chatted a bit and life wasn't much better for her. A friend stole $500 from her, and she was waiting on tables for major assholes. Haven't seen her since but I hope she has gotten her life together. Smart kid who has taken the wrong path.

I know she watched my set and I could see her laughing pretty hard. So I'm looking forward to go back there. Waterbury, Connecticut, look out for me in September.

Matty

Dirty Business

It was Sunday afternoon and I was frustrated. I had two bags full of groceries wondering around on my street. The bags were full of junk food. When I get depressed I pig out on donuts. I hadn't thought about this in a while but I was thinking what if I quit comedy. What would I do? I would go back to college, get a job at H&R Block. Come home after work and watch sit-coms. It was then I realized I know nothing else. I can't quit and it has become my life. A night without getting on stage seems like a wasted day. Therefore, my life would be meaningless without it.

There are times I get so frustrated with the business and I think of quitting but that only lasts a couple of minutes. There is really nothing else I can do. Ok, that’s it for now. I'm sorry everyone. Just so much going through my head right now. Wish this could be funnier. I don't feel it right now. I'm sorry again.

Matty

P.S. I vow never to quit and I will make it