Comic Without a Sense of Humor

So I'm doing this show for a few people and the crowd ain't feeling me. There are like 8 people and every time I do a joke they look at me like I'm deranged. Out of nowhere this really drunk chick walks in and sits down. She starts laughing really loud at every joke and starts yelling out, "You are sooooo funny!"

So I'm thinking I'm getting heckled. I don't know how to react. I make a few nasty comments her way and it kind of steers me off my set.

I see her at the bar after my set and I tell her what she did was wrong. Only problem was she sincerely thought I was funny. I just perceived it as heckling because, well I'm nuts.

I learned a lot about myself. I am very negative. I am sometimes a miserable person and this drunk lady put it best, “I am a comic without a sense of humor."

Like the Red Sox I love, I am all gloom and doom and my own worst enemy. I think this takes a lot of balls, but I bitch and moan on this blog about the business screwing me over and not giving me a shot. I’ll say this right now, the only one preventing me from succeeding is ME.

To get even more down in the dumps, I had the scariest, vivid nightmares in my life. I was possessed by evil spirits and they were making me slide and fly through the air without my control. I kept seeing creepy faces as I slid on the ground.

I woke up freezing because I had a fan blasting and my blanket was off my body. I think when I'm cold I have nightmares. These dreams were so scary I was afraid to go back to sleep. I'm telling you they freaked me out.

Ok, too depressing? We’re not even done. I'm doing two nights at a Ground Round in Connecticut this weekend. Last weekend it was a seafood restaurant in Staten Island. This gig is better because it’s a few miles closer to Hollywood.

Matty

Chicks Dig the Teeth

So, the new issues of The Comical are out and there is this picture with me and, like, eight hot chicks. This comic comes up to me, "How the hell did these girls take a picture with you?"

I know what he is thinking; I'm this tiny, little freak that isn't supposed to get girls. Especially to those who can't get any. I know they sit there while rubbing their fat tummies. If I can't get a girl how the hell does Matty?

Friday, at another club this rather obese comic goes up to this girl I was hanging out with and asks if she is hanging out with "Bucky" (referring to my teeth). He is obviously jealous and trying to insult me. I was kind of offended but truth is I just brushed it off.

I love the way I look. If someone told me I could look like Brad Pitt I would turn it down. I swear I mean it. And I believe the only reason that a couple of girls kind of dig me is because I'm confident in the way I look.

Ok, I got that off my chest. Did a show tonight and in the audience were very special return customers. Yes, they were the couple that had sex in the bathroom I wrote about a month ago. I told the audience I had a secret about them in revealed it at the end of my set. This couple lives a filthy life. Here are five reasons why:

1. They actually went to a comedy club.

2. They had sex in the bathroom of a comedy club.

3. The woman bragged to me afterwards.

4. They returned to the scene of the crime and had no shame.

5. They said they will be back with a big group. Perhaps a big orgy in the future?

Matty

Da Blog is Back

Sorry for my short hiatus but I'm back with my blogs to bring you all some good gossip and fun. I will be putting back up all my old blogs as well. Just doing some house cleaning, or computer cleaning.

Last night I did a road show at Dock's Seafood Restaurant in beautiful Staten Island. Not exactly the Mecca of comedy. As a matter of fact it’s at the end of the world. I just wanna say the place sucks for comedy and has lousy sound, but I had the best fried calamari in my life.

It’s a tough journey, this comedy business. Doing seafood restaurants for old people who just swallowed a clam, but I guess it’s part of the process. No funny or interesting stories here. It’s do your time, get paid and get the fuck out of there.

Next weekend I’m doing two shows at Cleary's Comedy club in Waterbury, Connecticut. I'll be performing with the maniac known as Tom Nemic. Actually, we are good friends but man, he is crazy. And I'm sure I’ll return with a few funny stories.

The new issue of The Comical is out. Great pic of me and a bevy of beauties. Definitely check it out.

Ok, so great to write again. I'll be here more often. I promise.

Matty