Sad Song of The Road

This Saturday I will be heading on a train to Stamford, Connecticut for a gig at a wonderful place, 'Tirsty Turtle.' I know what you all are thinking. New town, Matty will conquer by kicking ass and spreading seed with a couple a nice ladies backstage. No, the road is lonely. Its a train ride looking out at pastures. And this is Alienbrain country. We will meet up, eat a lonely meal at a tavern and then play a few hours of chess. Then its on to the stage to be a monkey and throw feces at the people. And I'm back on the train heading home with an empty bedroom. I feel like Bon Jovi, when he wrote 'Dead Or ALive.' Here is my sad song. This is dedicated to a beautiful girl whom I just met Skittles the kid."



I'm back on the road
Got nowhere special to go
The comic before me just did a scooby doo voice
he really fucking blows

All the ladies leave me
for so-called better guys
truth is their just rodeo clowns
same as me but in disguise

(chorus) Cause I'm a Monkey
with funny shit to throw
I'm wanted with Tubes up my Nose

I perform for synagogues
and the schwartzes too.
They usualy like me
but I'll never be cool.

Its a long strange trip
I'm having a ball
On average I see 14 new faces
And I rocked them all.

Chorus: Cause I'm a monkey
with funny shit to throw
I'm wanted, I said wanted with tubes in my nose.


picture it with Bon jovi music. I really dont know if this was funny. but its from the heart ala, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi and MC Hammer. See you guys in Stamford.

MG

A night at the temple

Its a synogogue deep in Brooklyn. There is a festive atmosphere. The crowd may be a few years behind the time, but they are eager to hear comedy. Before the show 'Mambo no 5' is playing and I'm thinking this is the Macarena of 1999. I'm in a time machine five years behind lame, popular culture.

Im at a table going through my comedy notes. What I'm really doing is weeding out all the curse words and making sure everything is super clean. The promoter introduces me to this older lady and she wants to talk comedy.

"There is this great program at eleven pm," she says. "I love Lucy"

"Yes, very funny," I say.

"you know I read this article in Readers Digest that laughing is a great way to prevent disease and can be a great remedy of healing someone who is sick."

Wow, what do I say? This conversation isn't going anywhere. I'm just agreeing to be nice. But I'm in a good mood so I play along. Part of me wishes I was in a regular comedy club, flirting with bimbos and promising to take them to a cool bar. But hey thats a lie too. I mean I just sit there and tell them what they want to hear.

So I do the show and it goes real well. I had to be clean and I was. Plus I wasn't obscene in any way, and got plenty of nice compliments after the show. And sure, I do feel like I lifted some spirits there.

But I am a jewish fraud. I played up my last name so they would like me more. Yet I fucked up the holidays. At the end of the night I wished the crowd a happy passover. Oops, thats in April. They looked at me strange waiting for a punchline.

"I mean Chanukah?"

Oh well. I swear I'm jewish.

MG

Culture of Comedy

When you are a struggling comic, you play any room. Anywhere there is a microphone and there are two crowd members, then its a show. Right now I'm doing everything. Monday night I found myself at Frank's Lounge in Brooklyn. Didn't know much about it but its a bar for blues and jazz. Meaning most of the regulars are black.

Me being a dumbass, I assumed the whole crowd would hate me, and wouldn't be able to appreciate a little jewish boy. But I had a great time. The crowd really warmed up to me and some of the regulars asked to me come back.

So tomorrow I'm performing at a synogogue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn for a jewish singles event. It don't pay much but the promoter assured me I would find a nice jewish girl. I tried to explain to him jewish girls hate me. Probably all girls hate me. But they are looking for a nice mensch, lawyer. I'm a fucking animal.

I don't celebrate any of the holidays, never been barmitsvahed and I think Jesus is kind of cool. Its those TV evangelists and republicans who distorted his shit. See I'm making no sense and therefore these girls will hate me.

I'm just going to do my comedy, make some people laugh, go home, take a shit and shower.

But, HEY LADIES!!! (thats dedicated to someone, you know who you are)

MG

Sunday Phone Call

i got this phonecall from a former high school friend I hadn't seen in years. The last time I saw him I was in the hospital. I was recovering from brain tumor surgery and the kid drove me nuts. You would not believe the stuff this kid did. he brought me the most heinous hardcore porn mag thinking i would enjoy it.

When you are in the hospital recovering from two, ten hour brain surgerys the last thing you think about are disgusting vagina lips. Then this kid ate my two day old hospital food and demanded he lie on my bed. Wasn't exactly a warm visitor.

So I wrote a short play and soon to be short movie about his visit. on the phone I told him about it. He felt really bad and responded with, "I was just a dumb kid."

I'm questioning whether I should have told him about it. But now he is demanding a copy of the script. I'm reluctant to give it to him because it ain't very flattering. Though we talked today and its bringing back good memories. As seniors in high schools, us two dorks saw Pantera together and we had a great time.

WALK, RESPECT. YOU TALKING TO ME!!!

A lot of the documentary was shot this week. Plenty of interviews were done with comics and there is some good footage of my pre-stage routine. Its going to be funny.

Sorry my schedule isn't up. I know I'll be in Stamford, Connecticut this Saturday. Its a fun place and a great crowd. Tomorrow I'm at Frank's Lounge in Brooklyn. 660 Fulton St. Hopefully it will be a good time. Catch you all soon.

MG