The question I get asked most by people who frequent this website is why don't you update the blog more. The truth is I'm pretty damn tired and I often don't have good enough stories to post. But guess what, I got a dandy. It happened Thursday night.
I'm at Vaselka Diner on 2nd and 9th with two fellow comics. When I'm out after a show I tend to get a little rowdy and I often do goofy things. Two very attractive girls sit right by our table and I knod at one like I'm some kind of stud. She gives me a strange look, and I stop staring back, thinking I might've creeped her out.
Ten minutes passes by and she asks me if I'm from Washington D.C. Not knowing where this is going to lead to I play along and say, "yes."
"Oh my god, you're Jason Sajian, we went to high school together."
Ok, she thinks she knows me. I continue to play along.
"Yes, thats me, I thought I recognized you."
Now she is getting excited, she invites us over sit with her friend. And now we begin to talk about the good ol days in D.C. Fact is I've never even be there. I tell her I totally recognize her but forgot her name. Then she asks me if I knew Glen.
"I never liked Glen, he always thought he was too cool for school." I chime in even though I don't know who the fuck Glen is.
She lets me know Glen is cool and they dated for four years. I stick by my opinion of Glen. The girl invites me to some after party and the way she is talking to me, you would think I have a chance. I continue to lie but a the same time I'm making silly jokes.
Chick- So what do you do in NY?
Me- I'm the spokesman for fruitloop cereal.
Chick- Well you know I went to catholic school for 11th and 12th grade, what did you do those last two years?
Me- I took up football, and got a scolarship to Notre Dame.
Ok, none of this is fazing her. I'm still Jason and she wants to party with me. But I can't lie anymore. The two things I hate in this world is lying and stealing, I must reveal myself.
Its been fifteen minutes and I come clean.
"I'm not who you think," I say, making this ridiculous situation over dramatic.
The chick ain't happy. Now she can't look at me and she won't talk to me. I have become the biggest prick alive. She leaves money on the table and tells her friend to meet her outside.
I watch her leave and say to her friend, "I guess that means I'm not going to the after party."
Her friend is not amused and gives me a nasty look. My comic buddy calls me an idiot and said I should have kept lying. He claims he told a girl he was in Iron Eagle II, whatever the fuck that was. Point is she believed him and he eventualy got busy with her.
Girls really hate me. I always say the wrong things. Don't know how or why, I just do. The next day I'm talking to a comic buddy about his relationship with his girlfriend and he thanks me for initialy bringing them together. I had no clue what he was talking about. Supposedly, I was hitting on her and creeping her out and he swooned in and rescued her. Wow, sure made my ego feel good.
But that is my effect. Wish it was different but I'm truly a dumbass. Maybe I'm just an ugly fuck. I'm on the bus and I'm sitting accross from a twenty something guy with a leather jacket reading Maxim. Any guy reading Maxim should be shot. Its a lame, stupid ass magazine that teaches guys to be cool. So This beautiful girl walks on the bus and she can either sit with him or me. Do I need to tell you who she sits with.
I listen to their conversation and its getting quite lovey dovey. I can't take it, I put on my headphones and start blasting some Katatonia. Maybe they will get married or just have fun, meaningless sex. But the nerve of her to choose a guy reading Maxim over me. And she wasn't a dumbass either. She was studying to be a therapist, very sexy and she seemed quite intelligent.
I'm in Woodstock, at my parents right now. When I'm home I write these self loathing blogs. Best thing is my cell phone don't work here. The same five comics call me everyday and wanna talk my ear off about comedy. I love all these guys to death but I need a break. OK, hope you all enjoyed.
People, drop me a line at me@mattygoldberg.com
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