matty's comedy journal

See Me in PA

2006-12-15T11:43:00.000-05:00

I'll be headlining tomorrow night at the Coliseum Comedy Club. This event is for charity, and not just that of putting food in the mouths of starving comedians. You will support a great cause and also get to see me creep you out on stage. How can you stay away?? Here's the info:

Toys-for-Tots Christmas Celebration
Coliseum Comedy Club
Saturday, December 16 @ 7:30pm
8565 Allentown Pike Road
Blandon , PA

For more info, visit: Coliseum Comedy Club

See ya there!!

matty g

COMICAL Holiday Show

2006-12-12T22:16:00.000-05:00

I'm performing for 'The Comical' magazine's holiday show this Thursday. I believe a few big special guests might be there, so be sure to pop in sometime that night!

The Comical Presents
Thursday, December 14 @ 7:30pm
Stand~Up New York
236 West 78th Street

For more info, visit:
Stand-Up NY or The Comical

Hope to see you there!!

You Could Be My Groupie!

2006-12-07T23:06:00.000-05:00

I just found out that I have a fan-club on Bebo.com. If you have an account on this site, please add me and become my groupie. It makes me feel like a rock star, which I enjoy. Hope to see you there and on MySpace, as well! Here are da addresses:

Bebo: Join My Fan Club! -
http://mattyg-fans.bebo.com

MySpace: See My Schedule & Giant Face! -
www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

Website: Masturbate to my Pictures! -
www.mattygoldberg.com

I like you! Do you like me?? - Matty :)

I was really sick

2006-09-20T04:58:00.000-04:00

If you saw me in Boston this weekend, you might of been able to tell I was really sick. Nasty flu. On stage, sweat was seeping into my eyes. But I was a trooper and did my thing. It was quite a nasty scene in the hotel room though. I was under the covers shaking.

I feel much better if anyone cares, and I have a big show tonight at the Improv. Thats Sep, 20 at 9pm at the NY Improv. If you are in the city say my name and get in free. For those of you who can't get enough of me, there are videos floating around on you tube. Just go to www.Youtube.com and search my name.

Oh,m I'm on my space. www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

Hope all is well.

Matthew

A few updates

2006-08-31T14:30:00.000-04:00

I have a few big shows coming up that I am excited about. September 15, I will be in Boston at the Comedy Vault to celebrate the Comical magazine. I don't have the address on me but if you google the comedy vault or Boston Comedy festival, you will find it. I do meet a lot of people from the New England area so, if you read this for some reason, its a perfect time to catch me.

September, 20 I have a really big show at the Improv in New York City. It starts at 9 and if you mention my name at the door you get in free. All I have to say is this show is important and will be big.

I'm doing a small photo shoot for new pics on this website. Expect them to be goofier then they are now.

Alcahol is real bad. Enough with the JD and enough with the CHAMPAGNE!!!

You can fine me on myspace. www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

and you can book me through www.GinaSavageManagement.com

hope everyone enjoyed their summer. I sure did.

MG

Wonderful Wild Weekend

2006-08-21T05:33:00.000-04:00

I just want to say to the wonderful people of Baltimore, it was an awesome fucking weekend. And thanks to Rob Cantrell for taking me to Baltimore and letting me take off my shoes in his hotel room. He was quite stunned I don't wear socks. There were some real fun moments.

To Kat and her cousin, what the hell happened?

To the girl who was getting married and her lesbian mom and slutty friends, I wish you a beautiful wedding.

To the big black guy who passed out on a Friday midnight show who threatened to kick my ass, I'm coming for you.

To the nerdy, jewish lawyer with the sexy girlfriend, lets keep in touch.

And most important to the staff at the Baltimore Comedy factory who embraced me and let me do my thing; thank you so much.

It was an awesome weekend.

I'm gonna eat some crabs and hopefully get some

2006-08-14T19:53:00.000-04:00

Thats right I'll be in Baltimore this Thursday to Saturday. Its at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. I'm doing one show Thursday and three on Friday and Saturday. Anyone in the Maryland and DC area should go. Does anyone read this. According to the web statistics, people do so I will keep writing these blogs. If there is a crazy story, I'll be sure to tell it.

I started a bad habit of drinking a little. Damn its addictive. i just love that Champagne.

hey, make me a friend on my space. www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

and book me somewhere

www.GinaSavageManagement.com

Free Lunch

2006-08-01T12:34:00.000-04:00

I know things are going good for me because lately, I've been getting alot of free meals. Thats right, people are whining and dining me. It feels damn good. Going to these meetings and thinking I have no money how am I going to pay for this. Then the bill comes and The other person clearly lets me know its on them. What a sigh of relief. I hope many more to come at more expensive restaraunts.

Its August 1st, and its damn hot outside. My personal life took a hit but I feel ok. I just need the stage to get shit off my mind. Thank god I have that.

I'm on my space. wwww.Myspace.com/mattycomedy

and check out www.GinaSavageManagement.com

Watch a clip

2006-07-11T12:53:00.000-04:00

For those of you who can't get enough of me, you can watch a clip of my stand-up at www.GinaSavageManagement.com

Also you can book me or hire me for whatever or whomever through that website.

I'm also on myspace. www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

hope all is well and everyone is enjoying the summer. Lately my emotions are like an out of control rollercoaster, but hey thats making my comedy even better.

mg

Hangin with Dutchie

2006-06-28T04:56:00.000-04:00

Some of you may know my second love of life is poker. Can't get enough of Texas hold em. So it was great to hang out with Professional poker player Dutch Boyd. www.dutchboyd.com.

Quite an interesting guy he was. We discussed the parallels of poker and comedy. And he was insane as me. So we got along really well. I wish him loads of luck at this years World Series of Poker.

I'm doing a really cool show this Thursday at Leila Lounge in Brooklyn, NY. Here are the details.

Leila Lounge
North 7th and berry
June 29, 8pm

take L to Bedford ave.

to see my complete schedule, go to www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

Why do I get booked for this kind of stuff?

2006-06-05T05:39:00.000-04:00

I got called to do a show for jewish high school students on a Saturday afternoon. Students ranging from 13-18. I have to be super clean and not only that, the majority of my act is about not getting laid. So no sexual inuendos either. Yet I had to do what I had to do and still my material was pretty racy. How did I know? Everytime I did a racy joke, the rabbi would stare me down. Oh the guilt. Oh the shame.

In all it was still alot of fun. Thge older kids got me, and the younger ki8ds saw a disgrace tyo the jewish race.

MG

Fleet Week

2006-05-30T02:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend the Navy was in NYC which meant plenty of shows to drunken sailors. They are a great audience and I would love to perform for military bases or possibly overseas. I really thought they were going to hate me, but if you dirty up your act. Even the Navy ladies were great.

I also went to a wedding last night for one of my high school chums and alcahol got the best of me. No more drinking for Matty. I'm sticking to prescription pills. Remember to make me a friend on my space. And my full schedule is up. Here is the link.

www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

Whats been going on?

2006-05-22T02:41:00.000-04:00

Here are a few snippets of whats been going on in my life.

Everytime I do a show and I get free drinks, I get drunk and make an ass of myself. If anyone books me, soft drinks only.

After a show this girl tells me I'm funny. She was really cute. Before I could even say thank you, she says, "but I'm not going to fuck you."

Is that the vibe I give off?

I quit comedy for two hours last week. Then came out of retirement. No press covered it.

I did a show for all these yuppy Cornell guys and I was mean to them. They deserved it, they were doing coke in the bathroom.

Thats all I can think of for now. When my space fixes itself, you can check out my schedule on www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

Schedule

2006-05-08T18:56:00.000-04:00

I went home to visit my parents and celebrate my grandma's birthday. Very peaceful but most important my parents have the baseball package. Got to watch the Sawx. Now my mom is a huge Red Sox fan and its nuts. She is pissed off at David Ortiz because he was 0-10. Thats a true Sox fan.

Oh, my schedule will be up on myspace.com. Go to wwww.myspace.com/mattycomedy

It will be up tomorrow. Ok, I'm back in the city and have a show at New York comedy club tonight. just like old times.

Schedule

2006-05-08T18:50:00.000-04:00

The good Dr.

2006-04-23T01:35:00.000-04:00

I got real drunk Thursday night. So it was drunk dial time. Only thing is, I don't just drunk dial just one person or some ex-gitl. I drunk dial everyone. From A-Z on my phone. It lasted twenty minutes before my sister called me back and begged me to go to sleep. My night was over.

I'm dogsitting for my good friend Dr. J. Or Dr. Mueller. This dude is an emergency room Dr. at Bellvue and he saved my life. Well I'm making this more dramatic then it is. But this summer I got real dizzy and he took me in at Bellvue Hospital and really took care of me. I didn't even have to wait. That was a crazy day in my life. I woke up dizzy. 2 p.m I''m in the emergency room on an IV. I have a show that night, and any person would cancel it and go home and rest. But I didn't want the vertigo to ruin what I loved to do.

So at 7 pm, DR. J pulled out the IV and I stumbled into a comedy club. I could barely walk ten feet, but I still managed to do well on stage. I then went home and passed out.

I met DR J. at a comedy show. He loved my act and took one of my coin phrases at his job. In one of my jokes I say, "business as usual for Matty."

Now everytime someone comes into his emergency room all dishiveled, he says "business as usual for Matty." its caught on.

H"e has two awesome dogs. Stella and Roland. They have to be near me every second. Oh, and they wrestle all day long too.

Dr. J just got engaged to a lovely, I can't wat for the wedding.

Its really good to have a friend like J. When he helped me out in the hospital I was so thankful and I told him that my profession was meaningless. "he just shook his head and said that he envied me and he would love to make people laugh. That meant so much.

OK, I'm getting quite emotional. The next blog will be about creeping out girls or something.

Saturday night

2006-04-13T17:41:00.000-04:00

For those of you wondering what happened on my birthday show, here is what happened. I did my set. My sister brings out a birthday cake on stage and I naturaly wish for World Peace. Then some chick from the crowd grabs me and we start to kiss. We kiss some more. Then someone tells me that her fiance was sitting with her and watching the whole time. It was quite sureal. I thought he was going to kill me but he didn't say anything. Maybe he still didn't see me as a threat. Well, it was quite nuts.

Oh yeah, Dan Marino's son was there too.

2 places to see me this Saturday

10:00 pm
"Underground Lounge
107 & Broadway

11:30
Improv Cafe
53rd and 8th

find me on myspace

www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

it might have been a comedy first

2006-04-09T14:25:00.000-04:00

If anyone who was at the improv cafe last night, you what im talking about. For those of you weren't, lets just say for some reason when I'm on stage, girls do crazy things. Thats all I can say. Once again this blog is a tease, but I'm sorry.

I had a wonderful birthday. Thanks to all who came out to support me. Made me feel good.

To all my family and friends, I love you all. Its time to make more good shit happen.

BIRTHDAY SHOW

2006-03-25T20:44:00.000-05:00

OK, its official. My birthday show will be at the Improv on Saturday, April, 8 at the improv Cafe. I believe it will be free. Its at 11:30 and I'll go on sometime around midnight. This will be a special show. Its a tradition that I hit the bottle on this show. Last year I threw a whole bottle of water on a patron. Also, many old high school chums come out to see me. Some of these guys used to kick my ass in high school. Now they come to laugh at me and date my sister. Also a very special guest might be attending.

For those of you who live in Secacus, New Jersey, I'll be there this Thursday. I'll have more details on Monday.

I've noticed that the number of people viewing this website has immensely jumped. I appreciate it. And if you have something nice to say, drop me a line.

me@mattygoldberg.com

www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

The greatest quote i heard

2006-03-20T05:28:00.000-05:00

So many times in comedy we want to let somebody have it. We want to tell someone how we really feel. I lways want to yell at a manager or a booker if I don't feel like I'm being treated properly. But thanks to yoga I've calmed down and have kept my emotions in check. Then when a fellow, friend comic started ripping on other people, my brother in law quoted the greatest quote I have yet to hear that I will always abide by.

To quote Agatha Christie, "The truth is often desirable, but not always advisable."

Before I tell someone off or say something bad about somebody, I will think about this quote. Words to live by.

Ok, its working

2006-03-06T15:13:00.000-05:00

Now my e-mail is working so please write to me@mattygoldberg.com

E-mail

2006-03-05T16:55:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get e-mails from people who say they saw me and say I'm funny. Sometimes from bookers and every once in awhile a girl who digs my teeth. Most of the time I get e-mails for penile enlargements. So why am I writing this? My e-mail account is broken and I don't know why. So I haven't returned any letter in the past few days. If you want to contact me, try SpeaktomeMattyg@yahoo.com

Or make me friend on my space.

www.Myspace.com/mattycomedy

Hope my mail works soon.

MG

Back from vegas and ready to rock

2006-03-02T14:46:00.000-05:00

I had quite a weekend in Las Vegas. Not exactly the ideal place to live, but enough poker, and floozy women to get me through 48 hours. I was at a bachelor party for an old high school chum, and man did we tear up the time. Well not reall'y. But plenty of good food and great memories made it a great little get away. I really needed it. Didn't think about comedy. Didn't take any calls d get in for relating to comedy.

Now I'm back in freezing New York ready to do my thing on stage. Until another vacation comes. So Saturday, you should all come out and see me. Here are two good shows of your choice.

March 4, 8pm @ New York Comedy club
March 4, 11:30pm Improv Cafe

Mention my name and get in for free.

MG

The most useless and uninteresting blog ever

2006-02-22T05:10:00.000-05:00

I'm having a great day. Don't want it to end.

MG

Its a Sign from the dark

2006-02-10T05:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we are blessed by a higher power and sometimes black magic kicks in. A woman who frequents comedy clubs told me that by the power of the Ouiji board, my name came up as the next big star in the future. Wow. What do you say to that? Its not exactly hard evidence, but I'll take it.

I'm just hoping she didn't mean my name came up as the next comic to die.
I'm lucky I dodged that bullet.

But a little advice to all; stay away from the Ouiji board those things are freaky.

Can't be so honest

2006-02-06T00:53:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry to say that when I write this blog I can't be as honest as I wanna be. if I talk shit about someone, it might bite me in the ass. If I talk bad about the ladies they will go nuts. But they should be happy to be in this wonderful blog.

So the last two days I retreated to beautiful Woodstock, NY. Played with my kitty cat Fenway and ate lots of food. The refs sucked in the Superbowl and the commercials were even worse. I have no idea what is going on in these action movies. There is one on a boat with Kevin Costner I think. Its like a modern Titanic. I won't be seeing that. There was a commercial for Outback Steakhouse with an Aussie guy who looked exactly like me. Anyone notice that?

Ok, its back to Stand-up tomorrow. Monday you should all go to the Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex st at 9. And Saturday night at 11:30 at the Improv cafe, 53rd and 8th. Hope to see you all there.

MG

Good news and bad news

2006-01-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

I wil start off with the bad news first. Next Saturday afternoon I am prepared to do the worst gig in my life. It will set me years back in the comedy biz. I am keeping it a secret for now, and only after it happens will I reveal the humiliation. it makes the nerd-o-gram look like a headline gig at Carolines. I will say that.

Good news is you can catch me on www.thepostshow.com on a very funny sketch titled, 'Our Space.' Check out the girl I get to act with. Not bad at all. I definitely felt an off camera chemistry but I can say that the feeling was mutual. But the sketch is damn funny.

If all goes well, next Saturday I'll give you all the details about the worst gig in my life.

MG

Just a quick update

2006-01-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

I'm writing this right now because my beloved Patriots are losing to the Broncos. I can't take this. Bad calls and mistakes arrgghhh.

Ok, did a little acting today for www.thepostshow.com I did a scene with a beautiful lady, and I think I creeped her out. It will be up January 23rd, I will remind you again.

Did an interview for German national public radio yesterday, so no way anyone can listen to that. Oh, and make me a friend on my space. www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

Take care for now.

MG

2005, the year of creepy MG

2005-12-26T03:35:00.000-05:00

As a tradition started last year, I want to recap the year that was 2005. But, only what happened to me. 2005 was nuts. Hurricane Katrina, MTA strike, the death of Richard Pryor and Terry Schiavo, but you can buy Newswwek or Time to read about that shit. These are the top 5 Matty stories.

5. Matty gets shitfaced at New York comedy club- 4 shots of JD did the trick. I stumbled on stage and made lewd comments to the crowd. The set was great though. The comics brought me back on stage and this black guy wasn't happy about it. He said, "yo we didn't pay to see you twice."
I begged him not to pop a cap in my ass, and then said we are all brothers. Then I went home and drunk dialed every girl I know.

4. Trip to Boston- Had a great time in Boston for the Boston Comedy festival. Did some swimming in the hotel too. It was nice to get out of NYC for a few days. Beautiful college girls.

3. Nerdogram- Yes i did a nerdogram for 50 bucks in shithole Long Island. My brother in law makes, six figures, does Shakespear plays, blockbuster movies and is in a sitcom. I yuck it up at a dive bar in Long Island for a family that makes the Family Bonds family look like royalty. Everyone has a different journey.

2. Commercial- I did a great commercial in the heat of the summer for www.greatpointedarcher.com The day was like 100 degrees and the reason why I looked so hungry in the commercial was because I was sweating to death. There was so many lights and no AC. The commercial is great though. Very funny. Just took ten hours to make.

1. Matty G on BET- It don't sound right. If you told me the day before that I would be on BET, I'd think you were nuts. It was a great experience. Though the prizes sucked. I won a basketball net, Vibe magazine and two cd's I sold. I will say this. In a business which is controlled by jews, its pretty ironic that the black media has embraced me first.

2006 is the year I make it happen. This young buck is going to keep on going. Thanks to all my friends and family who love what I'm doing. May you all have a great year. To those who hate me; take a number.

MG

Gotta love the holidays

2005-12-13T21:00:00.000-05:00

i'm in mcDonalds at 3 in the morning about to buy crappy food, and they're playing Happy Holiday music. I'm asking myself why. Its depressing enough that I'm at mcDonalds at 3 am about to destroy my body, but why the fake happy music? Everyone there from the customers to the employees are miserable.

i also never understood New Years eve. What is everyone celebrating about? That in two days they have to all go back to waking up at 7 in the morning and go back to their miserable jobs? I'm guaranteeing everyone that nothing changes.

I'm doing two cool shows upcoming.

Dec 18, 8pm at improv comedy club, 53rd and 8th
dec 19, 9pm, at Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex st, btw Stanton and Rivington.

come see me, it will make me happy.

MG

Mailing list

2005-12-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

After a show yesterday, I got plenty of people wondering about a mailing list. Very simple, e-mail me at Me@Mattygoldberg.com and i'll get it going. Also, check out www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

mg

The Corrections

2005-11-30T16:32:00.000-05:00

One more time...

Tuesday Dec 6, 7pm @ Rodeo Bar 27th and 3rd ave. Its going to be wonderful

Because I have no money, everything I wear are hand me downs. This nice lady just gave me a real nice leather jacket because she knows I'm a bum yet nice enough to help out. She did warn me that the jacket belonged to her ex-boyfriends and he was a major sex addict. She also walked in on him with his penis near her dog's mouth. He had a good excuse though. He claimed the dog was coming on to him. I'm not making this up. I'll just say I look real rad in it and it feels good that there is so much history in a piece of clothing. I feel special. See ya next tuesday.

mg

The novelty will run out

2005-11-29T23:50:00.000-05:00

I just want you to all know I'm doing a special show on December 6th at Rodeo Bar on 27th and 3rd. Its a special holiday party put on by a former high school chum Eric Auletta. Oh and very special guests besides me to be there.

On to one piece of business. A certain comic has been flapping his mouth that my nerd novelty will wear off. And that this whole personna is a gimmick and an act. How right he is because when I go home I'm actualy 6'2, 200lbs, and have fifty bitches waiting for me. And I'm so calculated that for the last five years I have made fun of myself in basements, pool halls, biker and lesbian bars for barely any money. Yes, this is a gimmick you fuck.

Ok, hope all is well to everyone who loves what I do.

MG

Coheed and Matty

2005-11-21T01:53:00.000-05:00

Last Wednseday I took a night off of comedy to see the best rock band going right now Coheed and Cambria. Who? Yes, progresssive, emo rock with Dungeons and Dragons lyrics only a nerd could love. Oh, and every album is a whole story made into a comic book. I'm sure someday they will be valuable much like the Kiss love gun.

My older sister was nice enough to take me and my younger sister to the show and it was a Goldberg family outing. Here is a very interesting Coheed and Cambria fun fact. I went to high school with the bass player. Though he was much younger then I was, I do remember competing against him in the battle of the bands. He was in this horrible band Albino Lemmings, and I was in this even worse band No IQ. Anyway his band was so bad, I felt he and his bandmates should quit and never pick up and instrument again. I wonder if he remembers my band. The principal pulled the plug on us because students were moshing. HIGH SCHOOL MAN!!!

So yes, I love this band. They rock. And they really rocked last Wednseday, though my sisters kind of ruined it for me. I sat in between them and they decided to have lame conversations in between each song. You gotta understand each song builds drama and I'm feeling the vibe. But its hard when Kate is asking Jessica if she likes her earings. Or what time they have to be up the next morning. I asked them if they were digging the band, and they started talking about Neil Young or some shit like that. I had to zone them out.

I must say it was a great time, and I fully endorse Coheed and Cambria. Rock on and maintain your battle stations.

MG

A very Special Show

2005-11-15T03:53:00.000-05:00

I first want to say my sister is a brilliant playwright. I saw a reading of her new play and it was amazing. Her writing is quite deep and makes people think. I do penis jokes. Enough said.

Second of all I want you all to come see me this Saturday at the Underground Lounge at 8pm. The address is at 107 and broadway. Hope to see you all there.

MG

More places to see the teeth

2005-11-04T00:44:00.000-05:00

Everyone go to my MYSPACE page and be my friend. And if you feel like it write something nice about me. Or you can bash me. I enjoy that too.

www.myspace.com/mattycomedy

JARHEAD

I kissed a Girl

2005-10-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, I got to first base this weekend. After a Friday night show had a nice chat with a really cool girl whom was the victim of my journal entry joke. We hit it off and well; she and her girlfriend had too much to drink. Her friend started sucking face with another comic and I guess it influenced things. Though this really nice gal let me know she doesn't do that kind of stuff. I conned her into smooching as long as no tongue was involved. And it was kind of nice in a seventh grade kind of way. After an innocent kiss she said something really strange.

"I can't do anything more, I'm catholic."

And I'm thinking, so was Madonna.

But hey, she was really cool and sweet. Beautiful filipino (hope I spelled that right)girl who goes to a large midwest University. Oh, she wants to be a dentist too. She wasn't frightened by my teeth. See the pics on the site. I must say if she wasnt visiting NY, I'd really pursue her. But due to geography, it wasn't meant to be. OK, Happy Hallween everyone.

MG

Nerd-o-gram

2005-10-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday I did the worst thing in my life. I was a nerd0gram for a party somewhere in shithole, Long Island. Thats right, I go to your party and nerd it up for everyone's lame enjoyment. It gets worse...

The party was for a grandma who was retiringg from Waldbaums. Wow, I'm surprised this didn't make the NY Post. Oh did I mention the party was real scary? Kinda like that bailbonds family on HBO? And a little anti-semitic. I ask grandma what she will miss least about Waldbaums and she chimes in with, "All those annoying jews."

I still did my job without any dignity. Ouch it was tough. I called my mother afterwords to tell her what I did, in hope that she would yell at me and tell me I need a different path in life. Instead she was very proud of me. She has very low expectations for me. This weekend its back to stand-up.

MG

Summer of fun

2005-10-10T02:43:00.000-04:00

This weekendd there was too much rain and I broke out the fall jacket. The summer was alot of fun though. Two events stand out.

I was triumphant BET's 106 and Park St. Thats right, Matty G on BET. I was on the same show with R. Kelly though i wasn't allowed to make eye contact with him.

I filmed this great commercial this summer. And for those of you who don't like me, I die in it. Check it out on www.greatpointedarcher.com

Click the TV on the site and watch me in action. This weeek my new schedule will be up. Check it out.

MG

Party has just begun

2005-10-04T12:19:00.000-04:00

The site is back up folks. Don't you miss the big teeth picture? I sure do.

OK, you gotta all come see me this Friday for the Comical show at the Starroom. Here are the details.

Friday, Oct 7, 9pm
Starroom, 246 Columbus, between 71st and 72

also go to www.Thecomical.com

mg

THE PARTY IS OVER

2005-05-24T11:59:00.000-04:00

OK, its official. As of tomorrow, my website will no longer exist.
No more www.mattygoldberg.com. This is sad. I'm holding in the tears. It was fun having a site and fun looking at it, but right now its for the best to take the site down. I do believe a new Matty Goldberg website will crop up in the future. But there is no time table. Everyone who e-mailed me and loved the site, I appreciate it.

I have a decision to make whether I want to continue to do the blog. Its not the same, without the website. No one wants to type in the long blog address. If I get ten encouraging comments, I will continue to write. If not, you can read my stuff in the Comical magazine.

My last order of business. My new e-mail is speaktomemattyg@yahoo.com

me@mattygoldberg will no longer work. This is real frustrating, but this day was bound to happen. Thanks to all who supported me.

MG

2 places u should see me this week.

2005-05-24T10:15:00.000-04:00

I have bad news my friends. Very sad, bad news. I will reveal it in due time but our lives might be altered forever. But now is not the time to discuss it.

Anyway, i got 2 cool shows that you should all come see.

Thursday night im downtown in the east village. Its like a real artsy, variety show. Place is called Lolita Bar. 266 broom and Allen St. And this starts at 9pm. Take the F to Delancey St.

Saturday I'm doing more of the traditional stand-up show at Underground Lounge. Thats 107 and broadway aty 10pm. take the 1 train to 103rd.

Ok, thanks to a;ll who have written me. I really enjoy e-mails.

MG

These Words and Music

2005-05-18T03:30:00.000-04:00

I know most of you don't like when I discuss music or sports but I got two great cd's I must tell you about. The new Weezer cd is damn good. I'd like to think I'm the comedy version of Weezer but that might be insulting them. The new album has plenty of sad love songs and the single Beverly Hills is super catchy.

Also got new 'Porcupine Tree.' No one has ever heard of em but they are this great progressive rock band from the UK. The third track is a damn good ballad. Plus plenty of long Pink Floydish jams. Not as good as their last cd, but still damn good.

Watched footage of the movie I made where I had permanent boner and it was really funny. Someday it will be made. Props to my movie wife. Our scene together is damn intense and we get into this funny fight. It was easy cause when I have a relationship I pretty much fight. Its never my fault though. I swear.

Ok, I got loads of shows coming up. I'll post em up on this blog, because my online cordinator ain't speaking to me.

mg

The most frequently asked question...

2005-05-15T01:36:00.000-04:00

The question I get asked most by people who frequent this website is why don't you update the blog more. The truth is I'm pretty damn tired and I often don't have good enough stories to post. But guess what, I got a dandy. It happened Thursday night.

I'm at Vaselka Diner on 2nd and 9th with two fellow comics. When I'm out after a show I tend to get a little rowdy and I often do goofy things. Two very attractive girls sit right by our table and I knod at one like I'm some kind of stud. She gives me a strange look, and I stop staring back, thinking I might've creeped her out.

Ten minutes passes by and she asks me if I'm from Washington D.C. Not knowing where this is going to lead to I play along and say, "yes."

"Oh my god, you're Jason Sajian, we went to high school together."

Ok, she thinks she knows me. I continue to play along.

"Yes, thats me, I thought I recognized you."

Now she is getting excited, she invites us over sit with her friend. And now we begin to talk about the good ol days in D.C. Fact is I've never even be there. I tell her I totally recognize her but forgot her name. Then she asks me if I knew Glen.

"I never liked Glen, he always thought he was too cool for school." I chime in even though I don't know who the fuck Glen is.

She lets me know Glen is cool and they dated for four years. I stick by my opinion of Glen. The girl invites me to some after party and the way she is talking to me, you would think I have a chance. I continue to lie but a the same time I'm making silly jokes.

Chick- So what do you do in NY?

Me- I'm the spokesman for fruitloop cereal.

Chick- Well you know I went to catholic school for 11th and 12th grade, what did you do those last two years?

Me- I took up football, and got a scolarship to Notre Dame.

Ok, none of this is fazing her. I'm still Jason and she wants to party with me. But I can't lie anymore. The two things I hate in this world is lying and stealing, I must reveal myself.

Its been fifteen minutes and I come clean.

"I'm not who you think," I say, making this ridiculous situation over dramatic.
The chick ain't happy. Now she can't look at me and she won't talk to me. I have become the biggest prick alive. She leaves money on the table and tells her friend to meet her outside.

I watch her leave and say to her friend, "I guess that means I'm not going to the after party."

Her friend is not amused and gives me a nasty look. My comic buddy calls me an idiot and said I should have kept lying. He claims he told a girl he was in Iron Eagle II, whatever the fuck that was. Point is she believed him and he eventualy got busy with her.

Girls really hate me. I always say the wrong things. Don't know how or why, I just do. The next day I'm talking to a comic buddy about his relationship with his girlfriend and he thanks me for initialy bringing them together. I had no clue what he was talking about. Supposedly, I was hitting on her and creeping her out and he swooned in and rescued her. Wow, sure made my ego feel good.

But that is my effect. Wish it was different but I'm truly a dumbass. Maybe I'm just an ugly fuck. I'm on the bus and I'm sitting accross from a twenty something guy with a leather jacket reading Maxim. Any guy reading Maxim should be shot. Its a lame, stupid ass magazine that teaches guys to be cool. So This beautiful girl walks on the bus and she can either sit with him or me. Do I need to tell you who she sits with.

I listen to their conversation and its getting quite lovey dovey. I can't take it, I put on my headphones and start blasting some Katatonia. Maybe they will get married or just have fun, meaningless sex. But the nerve of her to choose a guy reading Maxim over me. And she wasn't a dumbass either. She was studying to be a therapist, very sexy and she seemed quite intelligent.

I'm in Woodstock, at my parents right now. When I'm home I write these self loathing blogs. Best thing is my cell phone don't work here. The same five comics call me everyday and wanna talk my ear off about comedy. I love all these guys to death but I need a break. OK, hope you all enjoyed.

People, drop me a line at me@mattygoldberg.com

mg

I had a really good day

2005-05-03T03:36:00.000-04:00

It was just crazy. All the good fortunes I had. Calls I've been waiting for came my way. A Terry Schiavo obsessed fan contacted me. Crazy, crazy stuff. I wish I could go into detail but I don't want to jinx anything or talk about shit that might not go into fruition. Instead I'll give you a few FAQ's I get.

Q-Are your sister's really hot?

A- The consensus is yes but I wouldn't know. They are better looking then me if that says anything. I think my whole family is very attractive. Except for this distant relative Sol. His ex-wife has him locked in an attic.

Q- How come you don't write a blog about me?

A- Prob cause your not that fucking interesting. Your probably really dull and a waste of my blog space. A tip, be more like the man, and myth Alienbrain.

Q- And who the hell is Alienbrain?

A- Alienbrain is a funny comic and a great mind. We are two outsiders who have bonded through comedy. He is from Grenwich, CT and loves the Mets. His dad owes me chicken and chili. Oh, he loves the Whale too. Alienbrain can see the future and sees me doing big things. That rocks.

Q- Is that true you threatened to kill an mc who gave you a bad intro?

A- This was before I had a sense of humor. It was a late night. The mc, now a good friend of mine said, "The next guy has a sitcom with John Lovitz that will air in Angola and parts of Africa."
After my set, I grabbed the mc's arm. "IF YOU EVER GIVE ME A LAME INTRO LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU."
He was incredulous to my reaction. He was just goofing around. I have learned a lot from this. I was way out of line.

part 2 coming soon

Why I love myself

2005-04-29T02:00:00.000-04:00

The rest of the world may not love me, but here is why I love myself.

Got this e-mail from a girl comic in LA. She said, "Matty you are arrogant, cocky, crazy and really insecure all at the same time."

That was a beautiful description of myself. Its not easy being so full of one self and have real low self esteem all at the same time. Its an amazing battle that leads my mind to complete insanity.

This other girl wants to be comedy buddies with me. She is just starting out and wants to have some sort of support group with me. I don't have time for this. Unlike Rex Kwan Do, Matty flies solo. So the other night she text messages me with this message...

I'M AT THIS OPEN MIC FOR THE FIRST TIME. WHAT CLUB ARE YOU AT?

I don't want to answer this crap, so my reply is...

I HATE COMEDY

She comes back with...

YOU LIE

Ok, enough of this. I can't text all night. I think of the quickest way to end these texts. I come up with...

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO MAKE SWEET LOVE?

She replies,...

YOU ARE NOT WELL

I need to send one more text to end this...

SO ARE WE GONNA GET IT ON SWEETY OR NOT?

That did the trick. Have not heard from her since.

I got more examples. But I'm too tired. The world will never understand me but I love being me.

MG

Andrew Mice Clay

2005-04-27T00:36:00.000-04:00

There is a bar I perform at weekly. The lameass bartender complained that the comics were insulting the patrons as they walked past the stage to use the bathroom. So not true, and if it was true this is New York. Some of these people have to thicken their skin up. Next week may be the last show and if it is, i will debut my comedy tribute show. Andrew Mice Clay. Thats right, I will do Dice's act as Andrew Mice Clay. And every fucker in the place will have it.

Mother Goose, I FUCKED HER. OO"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger

Everybodys Workin for the Weekend

2005-04-25T11:43:00.001-04:00

When I get free time lately I pretty much wanna be myself. This weekend was strange. Did three shows uptown and I found myself in a hostile with a whole bunch of college kids from Kansas. They took a liking to me and invited me back to their crappy room. We chatted for awhile about ghost stories and then I returned to my own little world. But peace to the dudes and dudettes from St. Mary's college in Kansas.

Yesterday filmed more of the movie then did two long sets which were great. I was performing all day on three hours sleep but alot of Coca Cola. Sleeping last night felt so good. Goddamn I wish I had more exciting stories. I promise this week, I will have Matty's frequently asked questions. Just real tired looking for the eyes on the prize. Then the fun begins.

MG

Everybodys Workin for the Weekend

2005-04-25T11:43:00.000-04:00

Tambourine Man

2005-04-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

Once again the new Comical is out and it looks great. Oh and my article is really something. I already read it 20 times. I'm so shameless.

I'm in the midst of making another short film and my part is quite hung. I play a guy stuck with a permanent boner. Oh and the world ends too. Its quite amusing to wear a strap-on all day. but anything for acting.

Hmm, what else? So much good gossip I can't tell you about. Its too bad. If I could air my dirty laundry on this blog it would be damn crazy. The greatest blog ever. Oh well. Until next time.

MG

BACK TO SCHOOL

2005-04-19T10:49:00.000-04:00

A new issue of the Comical comes out Wednseday and I have a wonderful new article. Its about my visit to an elementary school to talk about comedy with young school children. You can find the Comical all over newstands, and comedy clubs in NY. Also check out www.thecomical.com It should be up soon online.

So this comic calls me up and asks if I want to go to Atlantic City with he and a bunch of comics. Simply to party and have fun. No comedy, just a wild fun time. I turned him down.

Matty G the martyr said, "I'd rather do a show with six people in the audience and have them not laugh once then party for no reason. I don't deserve it."

Goddamn I'm a beautiful person and that is my work ethic. I don't deserve to live the good life until I achieve what I want to do. Honestly I'm not even close to where I want to be. But I'm getting there.

Check me out at the Underground Lounge, Thurs and Sat night. Great place to watch comedy. 107 and Broadway. 1 and 9 trains will get you there. Thats about it. Weather is great and I'm lovin life. Any girl want me to make them chicken parmigana and pasta, e-mailme, and we can arrange something.

MG

How do I annoy people?

2005-04-14T00:41:00.000-04:00

I enjoy annoying people. Lately I quote every line to Napoleon Dynamite. Its better then reciting Radio. Well anyway, all night at the club I do my best Napoleon impression, "I see you're drinking two percent milk..." Or I quote Rex from Rex Kwan do, the funniest scene in the movie. I keep milking and milking it until everyone who liked the movie now hates it. It used to be Ali G show.

I enjoy playing stupid to make people laugh. Some disagree. They think I'm just really stupid, but believe me I'm quite calculated. Why am I telling you this? I just think being annoying is real funny and never letting up.

As you can see things are slow. Actualy they are intense.
i do shows every night and do little short films anytime I can. Shows have been great but nothing has stood out. Save for I performed for the whole wait staff at Bubba Gump Shrimp. The girls who work there are cool and they all wear Red Sox shit. Thats cool to me.

Something in my life will happen very soon. Its not in the horoscopes but in my head. I think the Alienbrain was right. Something good is going to happen to me. A life altering thing. Right now I'm working for my break. But I smell it.

This was an annoying blog. But its a good insight of whjat goes on in my head pretty much all the time. Edgar renteria is killing my Sox.

MG

Birthday in review

2005-04-10T14:20:00.000-04:00

I would first like to thank my friends and family for showing. Also, all the comics who came for love and support. Whatever.

I wanted to drink a lot more but the bartender would not allow it after the last drunk episode. So I was put on a limit of two shots. I had a pretty wild set. Alot of stuff was improvised and in honor of my sister I read her journal. I also think I threw water at someone but I don't remember. After my set, I was pretty stressed out and tired so I had grilled cheese and fell asleep. The end. The show was a lot of fun though.

I really thought something crazy was going to happen but I think everyone wanted me to stay alive so they limited wehat I could drink.

Oh, check out myblogispoop.blogspot.com for a sweet Matty birthday tribute.

Thats it for now. I'm gonna nap.

mg

My birthday

2005-04-07T17:18:00.000-04:00

Its my birthday and I need a nap. I'm hanging at the Comical office just fooling around on the internet. I'm prepping for my show tonight writing jokes and preparing myself. lets hope its a big house.

I'm feeling good right now. Ok, I think something crazy is going to happen tonight. I'l report back tomorrow. Thanks to all the friends who called me to wish me a happy birthday.

MG

Napoleon Goldberg

2005-04-04T11:09:00.000-04:00

I'm kind of wiped. Just finished filming this cool film deep in Brooklyn. One of the scenes, I acted only in my underwear. You will have to see the film to find out whether I'm boxer or briefs guy. But it was cool, being half naked. To impress the ladies I was sucking in my pudgy stomach. Am I grossing out anyone?

Thursday night at 9 is the birthday show and its going to be great. I have a bunch of wild stuff planned. i hope to see you all there.

MG

Birthday show
New York Comedy club
24th st between 2nd and 3rd
April 7, @ 9

Mitch Hedberg RIP

2005-04-02T03:55:00.000-05:00

What a crazy week. Three people passed away of significance. Mitch Hedberg was a damn funny comic. I spoke to a few people who knew him and they all said he was a great guy yet hated any sort of spotlight or success. Bottomline he created a whole cadence and style. You know your an awesome comic when you see young comics copying your style and joke style. There are a lot of Mitch Hedberg clones out there. They don't do him any justice. But I'm sure his legacy will blow up. Death has a strange way of making everyone finaly aware of your talent.

Terry Shiavo died. don't know much about her. Her name will last as long as Eleon Gonzales. But still a sad story. I guess.

The death of Jonny Cochran hit me hardest. I'm no OJ fan but he died of a brain tumor. Something I survived. Sometimes I ponder how I survived and I know I'm damn fortunate. I just did an interview for a newspaper. The journalist was a hot chick and she reads my blog so I'm saying whats up. But I told her crazy stuff during the interview. I told her god let me survive so I can entertain people with stupid jokes. She thought I was nuts, but there is truth to this. Before my brain surgery I lied in my bathtub naked preying to god I'd survive and there is a reason I need to still be on this earth. Comedy is the reason.

Ok, a few more things. Do you believe in deja vu? I bought this cd from a band Head Automatica. I went to college with the singer and we were very close friends. At the time he was in this really hard, loud band Glass jaw, and they were great and had success. He grew tired of em and started Head automatica which is really great rock and kinda dancy trip hop or whatever. Problem is there is one awful lemon on the cd. The song is a rap number about Felix the Cat. It is quite gay.

Where is the deja vu? I felt like I heard the song before. And then I realized I heard it in a dream in college. I told Daryl the singer about it. "Yo i had this crazy dream where I was listening to a cd by you and you were rapping and it was really gay about Felix the Cat."

He thought I was crazy, but i stand by this story.

My birthday show is this Thursday at 9pm. I got something crazy planned. Don't miss it. Love you all and I cherish everyday.

MG

Birthday show 9pm
New York comedy club 24th between 2nd and 3rd
April 7

Home, Home Again

2005-03-27T03:03:00.000-05:00

I'm back where it all began in Woodstock, NY. I wish I could come home more often. Its good to catch a break and fresh air. I've done like fifteen shows in the past two weeks so its good to escape comedy for a few nights. I bring a whole new energy to my parent's house. Grandma lives here and when I arrived at 4pm today she had yet to wake up. But me being the goofball I am, when she woke up she was laughing and full of energy. Then there is Fenway the cat. He is sixteen but when he sees me he gets so frisky. I play a game where I chase him all artound the house. For an old boy, he sure can still run.

I brought home this killer tape of me doing comedy. My parents haven't seen my stuff in a while. I must say they love what I do. Yet, not too happy about my sister jokes. As we watch it and I say somethng crude I say, "Aren't you glad I spend all my time doing this when most kids my age are becoming lawyers and doctors?"

No reply. But they are very supportive of me and they know their son is quite special.

Its 3am. I played plenty of online poker and now I'm writing this listening to some Mercury Rev. They are a great band. www.Mercuryrev.com they deserve a plug.

Once again my birthday show.

April 7, 9pm
New York Comedy Club
24th st between 2nd and 3rd

its going to be fun. yippee

I'm getting close

2005-03-26T02:48:00.000-05:00

i'm in debt right now. Just spent my last money on killer tapes of me performing. Its more important then me eating right now. But i'm almost there. To all that has helped me out with a couple of extra bucks I appreciate it. You will be remembered. I only live once and I'm trying to live my dream. I know this girl who is a talented actress but didn't want to go through the process of struggling to make it. She went to grade school and her economic woes will be solved. But in ten years will she regret it?

I don't know what I'm saying its 3am. I love entertaining people and meeting nutty people along the way. On Tuesday night this girl made me do a Terry Shaivo joke. I did it even though it was quite tasteless, but anything for the ladies. OK, thats all I'll say, but girl (you know who you are) you are crazy.

I need to go to sleep. I'm tired I've done like fifteen shows in the past fourten days. Going to visit my parents in Woodstock tomorrow. I need a nice rest. Not to toot my own horn, but everything is coming together. Thats it for now. I need a home cooked meal and some love from Fenway the Cat.

MG

If I hear one more Michael Jackson joke...

2005-03-22T10:08:00.000-05:00

I just might quit comedy. I can't take it. Comics if you are reading this, please stop. We all know he is guilty, looks like a freak, and loves little boys. And there is humor in that but lately the jokes have gotten so bad, its just turning my stomach. Also the same lame punchlines are rehashed over and over.
So lets all stop telling Michael Jackson jokes starting now.

I'm not tooting my own horn saying I'm some brilliant dude, but I talk about my life on stage and thats that. Whether people like it or not, well who cares. So everyone please STOP!!!

And no more Arnold impressions either.

Matty the hack Goldberg

birthday show
April 7th, 9pm
New York Comedy Club, 24th between 2nd and 3rd

Am I losing it

2005-03-18T10:56:00.000-05:00

Am I that creepy? I get away with being a goofball on stage. And I can say all types of creepy, weird things. Its off the stage no one quite gets it or me. Wed. night me and a few comics got a late bite with some girls from Boston who were dying laughing at my stuff. But when they met me in person they were quite terrified.

Truth is I'm the same goof tooth I am off stage. There is no change or character. Thats why I'm a genuine mofo. I think the difference is the stage is like my cage and I'm an animal in the zoo. You can look and laugh at wonder an amazement but don't touch.

OK, so Tuesday night I'm doing a show at some little bar. This girl in the crowd is so tanked. She tells a comic she is from East Virginia. Yeah, she is smart too. So the show is winding down and she pulls some random guy in the ladies room. I usually don't interrupt other comic's sets but this was a moment I had to.

I start screaming "HANDJOB IN THE BATHROOM!!! handjob in the bathroom!!!

Oh joy, isn't life great.

oh yeay. April 7, 9pm. New York Comedy Club. 24th between 2nd and 3rd. my birthday show

sorry

2005-03-14T20:38:00.000-05:00

Sorry its been so long since blogs. I've been doing well though. Just made a killer tape. I'd eventualy like to make a dvd of compiled shit I've done and sell it to the masses. Like behind the scenes stuff and assorted sets.

Ok, so I had this crazy conversation with another comic. Who knows why it lasted so long and why I actualy entertained this absurd idea, but for your pleasure here is a snippet.

Anonomous Comic- Hey Matty, you got a minute?

MG- Sure, wass up?

AC- I got this great idea and I want to know if you want in.

MG- Shoot my friend.

AC- I would love to make a porn comedy tape.

MG- Awww, ok.

AC- This is how it works. A comic does a joke about sex, then we have porn stars reenact it. It will be great.

MG- You mean real porn? Like penetration?

AC- Yes.

MG- Umm, hmm, I don't want to get involved with stuff like that. I mean porn isn't my thing, and once you get in that business, you are forever done with a real career.

AC- Not true, porn is getting huge. Everybody loves porn. Its getting mainstream.

MG- yeah but everyone keeps it quiet. Look, I'd consider it if it was like Girls Gone Wild and there was no sex, but it won't work.

AC- Well I think its a great idea.

This conversation lasted another thirty minutes. To think I spent thirty minutes of my prescious time discussing this. Cmics are nuts.

MG

ps- birthday show, April 7, @ NY Comedy club. 24th between 2nd and 3rd.

watching Chanel Zero

2005-03-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

Its almost official. My birthday show will be April 7th, Thursday night at 9pm at New York Comedy Club. Readers from around the country make plans now to go.

I haven't wrote in a week. I apologize for that. But not much to report. Alienbrain and I had an interesting conversation and great idea for an April fool's joke. We made a plan to get into a feud and fake a fight.

We are damn good friends and that would've stunned everyone. Well we tried being mean to each other for an hour, but I couldn't do it anymore. Everyone at the club was enjoying our feud a little too much and taking sides, so I had to end it.

It was only a hoax. I ended it. It just got too intense.

Tomorrow I write longer, I promise.

mg

ps-chanel, will u call?

FOR MY DEMONS

2005-03-01T00:58:00.000-05:00

Sorry its been so long. A lot, lot has been going on. And I picked up a new habit. i'm an alcaholic for the past few days. Sunday night i went on stage completely shit-faced and it was quite memorable. I let myself go and goddamn it felt good. I took a shot of JD at the end of my set and the crowd went nuts. The comics do care about me. They got me hammered for their amusement but they also got me a cab home. I was thinking I should do this every night, but I'd be dead in two years. So for special occassions I'm gonna get obliterated. i'm thinking of a special birthday show April 7. It will be at either at New York Comedy Club or the Improv. I'll have my friends perform and then I will go up last stinking drunk. it will be great entertainment. Anyone who witnessed the carnage I left on stage Sunday will vouge that its something not to be missed. But i needed a little change and a little fun. I'm doing a lot but I'm wiped and a little frustrated.

I want to apoligize to my older sister and brother-in law. i left them a nutty five minute drunk message at 12am pacific time. I just remember saying, "So that fucking million dollar bitch won oscars. fuckin A. Thats a fucking movie about a boxing , fucking bitch. Yeah."

They were sleeping and weren't too happy. I feel good now. Next time i drink is April 7. Its going to be a blast. Its gonna be five bucks and will be well worth the money.

Friday I did a show in Patterson, NJ. I was the only white person there. But I did my thing and got a good responce. I thought my have a tough time when you get brought on stage to rap music. I had to bust out a few moves, and it wasn't pretty. But the crowd dug my self deprecating shit.

On the drive home, I realized what its like to be black because we got pulled over for doing a 47 in a 55. I was with two black comics in the car. There was absolutely no reason to be pulled over. It was kind of nuts.

Oh yeah, i was at the gates. Pretty lame. The luge at Six flags has more artistic merit. I don't get it man. At The Gates should be known as a kick ass Swedish metal band. Not a tourist ripoff in Central Park.

Ok, Sex and The City rehearsels are going well. We film in two weeks, and baseball is back. Yet it snowed today. I need Spring and three shots of JD.

MG

Take what you get

2005-02-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

My dream is to walk into the ceo of HBO and hear this, but for now I'll take this. Here is a conversation between me and a very nice gentleman after a show at a bar.

patron- Dude I want to talk to you, u got a minute?

me- sure

patron- OK, first off I want to say I'm a window washer. And I wash like windows for all the rich apartments on the upperwest side.

me-ok?

Patron- yeah, but u have to understand they treat me really well. like they don't look at me like a window washer.

me- ok?

Patron- So what I'm saying is like I know these people and I don't want to sound like... but there are some rich fucking jews. I mean rich jews.

Me- well i'm a jew with no money.

Patron- Well what I'm saying is you, what you do, you are destined for stardom and I want to help you.

Me- thanks, I appreciate it.

Patron- So when these guys have parties cause again they dont treat me like the window washer.

Me- yeah, aww, thats great.

Patron- so i'm going to have you meet them and shit.

I need an advil really bad. I'll have details on my play later this week.

MG

i make a beautiful woman

2005-02-22T00:51:00.000-05:00

So i'm doing a sketch video of a parody of Sex And the City. i will be playing Carrie in drag and i have no idea how i will look. hopefully we can get some pics on this of me in a dress or tu-tu. Three of the four girls will be played in drag save for Charlotte. So they audition all these hot chicks to play her. One of the scenes they have to show compassion towards Carrie and these girls start touching me and rubbing my hair. I'm in charactar pretending that it doesn't effect me. But goddammit. it feels damn good. Its the most action I've gotten in about two or three months. Then the girls leave the audition never to be seen again. Just when I thought there was some sort of connection. Actualy they seem all married. i check for rings.

We film next week and I think the script is really funny. Only embaressing thing is renting Sex and the City in my Brooklyn neighborhood. But I studied all of Carrie's mannerisms. I really think its going to be a great experience. Just hope I don't get picked up.

Also from feb 24-27 and March 3-6 a short play I wrote will be performed. I'm excited. Its actualy somewhat serious material. Don't want to tell the plot but I saw a rehearsel and I think its going to be quite good. I just gave myself a pat on the back.

And of course this Friday night at Jack Rabbit Slims, 10th between 1st and A, there will be a killer comedy show. Please come all.

Ok, enough plugging. I feel so shameless, but I got shit to share with everyone. Later this week, I'll have Matty's FAQ blog. I answer a lot of the same questions all the time. And I'll be happy to answer em.

Baseball season is coming up and I'm so glad that the Red Sox are bashing the Yankees. Its a strange role reversal. I get knocked around a lot in life and I feel like the underdog. Things are going to change. I watch the 2004 highlight video almost everynight before I go to sleep. It never gets boring. Sox open the season in the Bronx. I can't wait.

catch y'all soon.

MG

Another Post Another Planet

2005-02-16T03:55:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to write a lot more which i like. a few things going down. First off there is a good friend of mine who just got the perfect girlfriend. She is beautiful, seems really cool and I'm sure digs his sense of humor. Here is the problem. Since he has been dating her I have yet to see him at the comedy clubs. This guy was really starting to get funny and put his act together. But hey, can you blame him for losing his motivation?

As much as i bitch about girls and i want a wonderful lady by my side, its for the best that has eluded me. It keeps my edge and my motivation going. Also gives me this wonderful chip on my shoulder that makes me Matty. So right now ladies stear clear or continue to break my heart.

I just got a part on a really funny sketch comedy video. I will be soon filming the pilot and it will hopefully take off. i won't tell you the plot just yet. So i was at the auditions and I read with everyone who came in. What a beautiful profession. One gorgeous girl comes in after the other. The whole time my tongue is out and I'm speechless. Why do so many hot girls want to be actresses? If there was a god they would sleep with me for the part, but i have no control of that. Its a shame i only get to meet these girls for a few minutes. i really hope the casting pick a single girl with bad eyesight.

This Saturday night I'm on the 8pm show at New York Comedy club. 24th between 2nd and 3rd. My favorite comic is also on that show. Come and find out who it is.

Thats it for now. peace to y'all.

mg

Tonight belongs to you tomorrow's mine

2005-02-15T11:01:00.000-05:00

If anyone noticed, I wasn't the author of my last blog. It was a feminine alter ego. Yet it was somewhat accurate. So this is what really is in my head. Valentines day was a happy day. Being alone at a comedy club eating every check was still better then spending eighty bucks on an ungrateful hussy.

Speaking of hussy's. There is this girl I used to hang out with throughout college. I see her all the time in my neighborhood and she completely ignores me. she just walks right by me. Its quite strange. I just look at her and laugh. I think I need better judgement in who I hang out with. So I'm not going to bash her, but she deserves a verbal tongue lashing.

OK, so I have this brilliant idea and I'm secretly working on it. I'm telling you its going to be damn funny. ok thats it for now. This blog took a bitter turn.

MG

A Special Valentines Day Blog

2005-02-13T22:01:00.000-05:00

Let's get three things straight.

#1- I went to a party on Saturday that was a total bust.
#2- Valentine's Day makes me uncomfortable.
#3- There are things that exist that I cannot talk about.

Regarding #1, I was told there would be members of the film industry there. But really there were just Australian meatheads and they were really annoying. Also there was a Swedish meatball who wore a black blazer, black turtleneck and a gold chain. He was hitting on all the women in a very creepy way but it was funny. Then I went up to this girl's apartment--which was also part of the party--and I started watching Napoleon Dynamite. I realized 2 things: I don't like parties and Napoleon Dynamite is a funny movie. I'm going to buy it on DVD.

As far as #2, I don't like how stores sell chocolates wrapped in red foil to look like roses and then stick a plastic stem on it to make it look like a long-stemmed rose. And what's more, I don't like how people buy them and give them as gifts. Any guy who would give that shit to a woman is an asshole. Give your woman flowers and candy--don't try to combine both into one cheap excuse for a gift.

But that's not really what makes me uncomfortable about Valentine's Day. The thing about Valentine's is that this year I'm feeling really good. A little cynical but good. And I think that a lot of people feel that way. So I'm part of the status quo today. It's uncomfortable here but thanks for having me.

#3 is about a project that I'm working on but I am not yet at liberty to talk about it. It's a very funny kind of project that you will all hear about in the future.

Happy Valentine's Day, motherfuckers. I love you all.

MG

P.S. Nevermind.

DYNASTY

2005-02-08T01:15:00.000-05:00

My beloved Patriots won the Super bowl again and well it feels sweet. Everyone hates when I talk about sports so I'll move on. But congrads to the Pats.

Lots of crazy things going on with New York city comedy and an alleged strike. I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of it, but its bumming me out. I didn't get into comedy for all this insanity. I just love performing and getting a nice high from kicking ass on stage. I was on paxcil before I started comedy. I quit that shit cold turkey. Comedy much like a good pill makes me happy. And well I ain't too happy with all this hoopla over where to perform and what not. I'm not getting into the specifics but I'm spending too much time thinking about this. I'll leave it at that.

To update you on my last blog with the drunk heckler girl. i text messaged her today and I would say it was a productive conversation. Here it goes.

Matty- hey its Matty the comic you met on Thursday.

girl- hey sweetie, when is your next show? You coming to my party?

MATTY- yes, where is it again?

girl- its on (you really think I'm going to give you the address? fat fucking chance)

Sounds good.

Ok, check you guys later. Next Monday at Joe Franklyn's comedy show is loser night. Because its Valentines day and you don't have a date. Come see me and other comics for 3 measly dollars.

MG

Am I that gullible?

2005-02-04T02:24:00.001-05:00

Ok, so i'm doing a show tonight and there has to be that one drunk girl who won't shut up. After every joke she is making comments. I can't even comprehend what she is saying but she has attitude as well. luckily midway through my set she walks out and leaves. But once again I figured she hated me. And I wasn't too fond of her at this point.

Soooo, I see her in the bar and I bump into her kind of rudely hoping she would be mad at me. Instead she grabs me, tells me how funny I was, and gets in my face. I wish all hecklers were as cool as this. Then she invites me to a party next Saturday night at her apartment. Ok, the story gets better. She claims she works for Mirimax films and tons of filmmakers will be there.

Is this for real? This sounds too good to be true. I have the address, I have her number, I'm going. You gotta believe, right? Its either gonna be hot chicks, great cocaine and loads of fun. Or the wrong address and really a crack den. I'm willing to take the chance. But I'm taking a friend with me. Sorry Alien Brain, I can't take you. I'm taking a big scary dude who will have my back.

Everyone stay tuned. Details to follow.

mG

Am I that gullible?

2005-02-04T02:24:00.000-05:00

Worst Blog Ever

2005-02-02T01:53:00.000-05:00

The last blog I wrote was possibly the worst ever. And the story has a happy ending. The girl who read my palm did a major favor for me and I appreciate that. i don't think she reads this but if she does, I appreciate it.

Ok, tomorrow is my sister Kate's birthday. Kate happy birthday and I will see you tomorrow. If you make me do karaoke, i'll break out my Billy Ray Cyrus. oh, Kate doesn't read this blog ever.

Anyway, comedy goes well. I think it has to do with the break of the weather. Once my body warms up I start getting nutty on stage. All the juice comes out of my body. I really can't wait for April.

As you can see, I don't have much to talk about. Sooo, will the groundhog show its shadow. Who fucking cares?

Thats it for now. I'll be at underground Lounge 107th and broadway, thursday night @10 pm and New York Comedy Club, Saturday night 8-10. thats 24th between 2nd and 3rd. Hope to see you there.

MG

Nothing is What it Seems

2005-02-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

So this girl reads my palm and I must say she was pretty dead on accurate with her reading. I never believed in palms or tarot cards but the stuff she said was quiteclose to home. Only thing that might've been off basis was she said I was super smart. Everything else though pretty much pegged me.

I'm extremely sensitive and that can hurt me. Sure, to elaborate more, I dwell on every little thing peoplesay or their body language. I get hung up on that stuff. Meanwhile I'm wasting my time and not focusing on the bigger picture.

I'm over affectionate and need plenty of hugs. This is so true. When I'm with a girl I want to cuddle and I'm quite touchy, feely. So much to a point that girls often find me creepy. That was pretty impressive though.

I enjoy time alone. Then again doesn't everybody? But still I do enjoymy time alone in my own little world.

So after I get the reading I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Then I get a cal from the palm reader's friend. Turns out she thought I was an arrogant asshole. How come this wasn'tbrought during my great palm read? I don't get it. I think I was fooled.
WBut I assure you the palm reading was free.

Just a quick note. I get people signing up for my mailing list all the time. Expect something very soon. Thats it for now. Never believe what you hear.

MG

Cabin Fever and the holy ghost

2005-01-25T23:44:00.000-05:00

These are some tough times in New York City for comedy. January, February everything slows down. Crowds are sparce and often cancelled. The holiday rush is over and everyone wants to just go home from work and stay home. i'm counting the days until Spring. I should mention a few things i'm doing and I'd love to see you all there.

Jan 28, I'm at Jack rabbit Slims from 9-11. Show is free and the bar is really cool. For more info go to www.Like2laugh.com
Check out upcoming shows. Sunday night i'm at Iriqouis Hotel 8-10. its a cozy little room and a cheap door cover. And don't forget to check out www.Comedysoapbox.com to find out when I'm at Underground Lounge. That place rocks and the Columbia students are coming back. ivy league babes can appreciate me.

Saturday it snowed like a bitch. I was snowed in with little to do. i played a lot of heavy metal cd's. Weird thing happened. The volume knob kept dropping. Was it a ghost? It didn't stop me from rocking out. I played

Amorphis- Tuneola
Katatonia- Viva Emptiness
Dark Tranquility- Haven

I think i almost had a few Shining moments. i was starting to see things.

Five gay guys may be coming to my apartment. I hope everyone can take a hint what that means. i got a call from a casting director and an interview is being set up. Honestly, if I get cleaned up and look swank it will ruin my company. i am forever Matty. Forever a slob. Ok, I'm going to post more often, I promise. The snow will soon melt and again shows will be rocking.

MG

Its so fucking cold

2005-01-21T01:48:00.000-05:00

What an understatement and a lame blog title. Right now I'm California dreaming. I'm going for a few days in Feb/March and i'm going to have a huge barbaque blowout. Were talking celebrities, comics, chicks, chips and dips. i have a bunch of friends out there as well as my sister and it will be a great vacation. Also nice to step on stage on the left coast. Some people say I have a real NY act, but I think LA is ready for me.

So what else is new? I have been writing with a partner. First time ever in my life. Check this out its a woman. Somehow she understands me and helps me more with my observational humor. I have been milking this "i'm a dork, can't get chicks" thing for a while. And that is certainly me, but we turn on the tv or grab a newspaper and start coming up with stuff. Her name is Prymennia Pierson. And yes its a real woman.

Ok, I saw this older comic stumbling around like a hobo tonight. It was really sad. I usualy don't mention names but it was Howard Feller. I love watching him do stand-up and he has many great accomplishments in the past. He was Jon Stewart's co-host on his original tv show. He also played a narcalept in Awakenings, the Deniro movie. People compare us because he has great self deprecating jokes. My favorite, "I can't wait till hell freezes over cause then a lot of girls are going to fuck me." Hysterical.

Tonight was scary. I saw him walking on the subway platform so out of it. He had stains on his shirt and he looked like he was out of it. I was debating to say hello, but he looked so incoherent. Thats all I'll say. Its too bad, he is a talented guy.

On most Thursday, friday, Saturdays you can catch me at Underground Lounge at 107th and broadway. Go to www.comedysoapbox.com . Its a great place to watch comedy.

Six more weeks of February, I'm counting the days. stay warm everyone.

MG

Back to high school

2005-01-16T23:45:00.000-05:00

In between doiing some killer shows this weekend. I watched a little tv this weekend. A lot of interesting things I did see.

First up was MTV's MADE. Thats where they take a geeky high school student and try to turn him into some sort of beefcake. This episode an effeminate theatre, dancer wanted to be on the Wrestling team. What intrigued me so much was that it took place at my high school. Thats right Onteora, just a few miles outside of "Woodstock, Ny. Our most famous alumni is Robert Downey jr, for a year and I like to think I'm second. Hey, i have my own website.

So watching this program brought me back memories. The show featured coach, Lou Chartrand who was also my technology teacher. He never quite got my humor. Anyway, thanks to him I got suspended and almost arrested. he had stacks of Wrestling tapes in his classroom. One day I decided to steal one because nothing says boredom like watching high school wrestling meets and laughing at the gayness. Real mature. What I got was a comedy goldmine. First on the tape was neighbor and pseudo jock, jonah Bruno. Who knows why he wrestled. To me he was always a fun loving hippy kinda guy. So the tape has him wearing the unitard prancing around like a fruit. Then he gets demolished in like thirty seconds.
All my friends would come over and we would watch it over and over.

Here comes the crazy part. I gave it to this kid who had a public access tv show in Woodstock and he played it 50 times on his show. People were calling up, demanding to see it again. But fuck Jonah, I'd brag to him on the bus that i hadn't showered in days and he would tell me I stink.

The word got around that the tape was shown, and I was accused of stealing it. i confessed and got one day of suspension. Jonah Bruno is a court journalist in Brooklyn, and plays the banjo. I'm not making this up.

If you get to watch the show, you will see how cruddy my high school is. Since my last day of school, I have never set foot back.

I also watched a little Golden Globes. I used to love Scarlett 'johansenn and think she would like me. I guess I really fell for her in 'Ghost World.' Just an awesome movie. But now she is Hollywood glitz and no longer my lady. Ghost World was so good and I was tied between the two stars. Either Scarlett or Thora Birch. Now I love Thora because her career has turned into shit. Since Ghost World she was in the great 'Dungeons and Dragons' movie and a Limp Bizkit video. Scarlett is in every criticaly acclaimed movie and hangs out with Derek Jeter. Fuck her. i got a better chance with Thora.

Also watched the Jets blow a game they should've won and my beloved Patriots dominate.

So what is new? Just doing a lot of shows. But hey big news coming up. Just don't want to jinx anything.

MG

Life is Dream

2005-01-14T02:17:00.000-05:00

How the hell could great art be created without pain? I think we all need some sort of shortcomings to let all our creative juices flow. Happiness sometimes kills the brain and turns one into a blissful robot. Or so I thought. I've been real happy lately. I think there are a bunch of reasons that have contributed to that. There is the old saying "addition by subtraction." Right now I can relate to that.
Because I'm a happy boy, here are some shallow thoughts in my head. Kiehl's makes a great hair gel. See, this is what you think of when you are happy. But my hair really holds and looks great. In the mirror I pretend I'm John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Though I don't wear briefs. But I love saying, "I work a long time on my hair and you go and hit it?"

Underground Lounge is one of the best spots to do comedy in the city. Address is 107th and broadway. Great, smart crowds right by Columbia University. I was in a grocery store nearby and two med students who saw me asked where my sisters were. I guess they believe the joke.

I take three painkillers at night. Problem is I forget how many I took. So I always assume I took one less then I was supposed to. Who knows how many I end up taking.

I want to be involved in a good poker game. Were talking Texas hold em for like five hours straight. I put together a game but the guys I played with wanted to play dumb games. I hate wild cards. I hate high, low. I want to play some good ol Texas hold em and get good enough to be in the World Series. If I play cards with you and you say 3's , 5's and 7's are wild I will leave.

New Mercury Rev cd January 24. No one knows who they are, but they can make me depressed.

I want to wish my friend Lauren success in LA.

And I think thats all for now. See what happens when I'm happy. It makes for a dull life. I need problems, I need drama.

MG

No Computer

2005-01-08T01:55:00.000-05:00

I have been without a computer for the past week, so I have been unable to post a new blog. I hope everyone continues to keep checking. I know I have plenty of faithful readers. Thank you dudes and dudettes. Its been a busy beginning of '05 and lots of exciting things are starting to happen to my career. Things I will not share right now.

Doing comedy in late December, early January is great because there are so many tourists and the clubs are packed. I have been really having fun on stage. Something about packed houses and performing for college girls, pumps me up.

I have been asked to speak to fifth graders about the profession of stand-up comedy. I'm wondering if I should tell the youngsters about the handjob I got in a comedy club bathroom. I have a lesson for all the nerds in school. Through comedy, yes you can get chicks. I may inspire a few of these kids.

hmmm. what else. I was at MTV offices. What a fucking operation. Its like fifteen floors of offices, the security is tight. I wouldn't expect the pentagon to be so seriously managed.

One last thing. Had this crazy dream that someone who I hate took up stand-up comedy. hey started taking away my spots. It was a horrible nightmare. They even called me in my dream to rub it in. i woke up and boy was i glad it was just a dream. Ok, take care everyone. And '05 is where we all make it happen.

MG

best things of 04

2004-12-31T02:43:00.000-05:00

God bless all the great tourists who come to NYC for the New Years Eve, ball drop thing. They have packed the comedy clubs and I've done six shows the past two days. Lotta fun. Met awesome people from Jackson, Mississippi. They need to get the hell out of the darn red states.

Ok so here are a list of my top things from 04. I pretty much eat, sleep, and breathe comedy so ther lists are kind of short. Like I probably only saw four movies this year. One was 'Troy' and that movie sucked so bad it won't even make my top 10 list. Even though its like the only movie I saw. Ok, here we go.

MUSiC

1. Coheed and Cambria- all, they are great. love them, i don't care what people say.

2. Ween- Quebec and live dvd- the dvd is amazing. Shows how talented they are. No one knows who they are so who cares.

3. Anathema- A natural Disaster- no one knows them. but british prog metal, in case you cared.

ok, thats it, but great stuff I've heard lately are Modest Mouse, Alkaline Trio, some rap song about being from New York.

Movies- only movies i saw this year were Starsky and Hutch and Farenheit 911. So those are my top 2. Saw Troy. It was god awful. Didn't make it.

Books- Starded readind The Corrections in 03, still reading it. I've lost all attention span.

TV shows- Three best shows all on HBO. Da Ali G show, Curb your Enthusiasm, and Entourage. Viva La Bam is a lot of fun too.

Best nyc diner- goes to.... there all the same. Nevermind.

best friend- goes to Alienbrain for being weirder and more dysfunctional then me.

best gay moment- goes to my friend Ted for sitting on my bed while I was sleeping at 5 am and staring at me. Wwwweird.

best show- goes to Stuyvesent high school. Smart kids who really got it. If I went there, I might've been cool.

worst show- got booked at some bar in brooklyn with 5 crowd members. Three of the girls thought I smelled. It was comedy hell.

Most dubious unimportant achievment- being undefeated at chess amongst comics.

best fight i had- this other comic wrote a nasty blog about a friend of mine. We had serious words. If i didn't have glasses, I think he would've killed me.

worst diss by a girl- I'm on the subway holding the poll and these two girls were complaining how no cute guys were on the train. When they said that, they were looking right at me.

Craziest night- tie between vomit omolette and Stanford, CT. In Stanford I ended up at the Meisterbrau's house. Grenwich legends for all night partying. Dude, drink a beer, smoke a j, listen to Floyd.

Best blog- the one I'm writing now. Actualy check oue myblogispoop.blogspot.com very good stuff even though they dissed Coheed.

Ok, I could go on forever. Happy New year everyone. peace and love.

MG

All The Stuff I Forgot

2004-12-29T01:54:00.000-05:00

So I did my year in review and I forgot a few things. Thats what happens when you rush through things or your brain stops working.

I forgot all about making my documentary. That was an awesome experience. If it ever came out on dvd there would be awesome bonus clips. The interview with fellow comic Mike Bochette was hysterical. He said lotsa nice, funny things. Plus there is a candid moment of us clowning around. Only on the DVD though.

I also can't forget the election and going to see Farenheit 911. I'm really down on our President W. I don't want to get into politics because, I have no qualifications except watching five minutes of news. But i really wanted Kerry to win. Its too bad he will wallow in obscurity much like Dukakis and Mondale.

i have it good though. The shit that happened in India is unbelievable. Thats like a whole American city being wiped out. I'm not going to bitch for a long time.

So I will say my friends are what keep me going. Alienbrain, thank you for a fun year and all the cool talks. Comedy is cool because you meet a hodge podge of weirdos through comedy and you are bonded by the delight of going on stage. I've met so many friends through comedy and hell they love me for being myself.

Wasn't always like that. In college i had so much trouble making friends. So i tried to act cool and everything I did backfired. One time the Super cool kid on my floor was in the crapper taking a dump. i figured i'd do something silly to show i was cool. So I went in the next stall and pretended to jerk off. i really thought he would find it funny. So he is doing his business and I'm in the next stall groaning, and going, "yes, its so big. Aww yeah, I love my dick."

i knew the cool kid knew my voice and he would find it funny and I'd win him over. Instead I was forever known as the creepy kid who got caught jerking off. I've learned now not to try. And if no one understands you, there is always an Alien Brain to understand you.

Coming up soon, my top lists of the year.

MG

2004 Year in Review

2004-12-26T01:47:00.000-05:00

Its Christmas night, which pretty much signifies the end of 2004. Overall, it was a good year. I feel like taking a stroll down memory lane. Everyone loves programs or articles reviewing the year. So please enjoy my year in review.

JANUARY- The clock just struck midnight and I'm walking down the city streets miserable. Why do I hate to see people happy? Bars are packed and overflowed. I just want to go home and sleep. Its girls I tell ya. They break your heart. I feel lonely and sad and I realize the year can only get better.

January I was doing lots of comedy and fighting with this manager who I was working with. He wanted to put me in Cotton Dockers and a nice buttoned shirt and I wanted to be Matty. The cold war continues.

FEBRUARY- I took a two week break from comedy to act in a ten minute play I wrote. It was a great experience and a lot of fun. The play was based on this crazy night I had with this girl in college where she comes over to yell at her ex-boyfriend. The girl whom I acted with was really amazing and completely captured the character. Though there are rumors she was on coke half the time we performed. Hell, she kicked ass and thats all that matters.

After the play I was back on stage at the comedy clubs. First time I'm back up there are 8 drunk idiots and I'm like welcome back.

MARCH- It was a really fucking cold winter and March was freezing. i don't remember much about March. I'm thinking. Hmmmm, I can't think of anything. Just probably did plenty of shows. Oh well fuck it, lets move to April.

APRIL- Early April is my birthday. Went to a bar and all my friends were there. I don't usualy drink but my friends demanded I did. So I did a bunch of shots and ran out of the bar screaming, "I have a boner."

I did a show on my birthday and I completely killed. I'll remember that set. I was really on.

April also represents beginning of baseball season. The Red Sox are looking good. Little did I know what October would bring.

MAY- May represents the beginning of this blog. I was really coming into my own and having fun. As you can see from the blogs I wrote I was embracing the freak. Instead of being a wuss on stage I was really going for it. I also credit the blog for helping me on stage. I was purging my felings and not being affraid to let them out. This was a major step in my stand-up.

Every night on stage whether I did shitty or not, I felt like I was growing.

JUNE- June was the month of vomit omelette. I cleaned up vomit for two hours dammit. It stunk. But I have planty of chivalry and i don't regret it. When the weather is warm the months go fast. June was also the birth of my website and online store. The buzz was the t-shirt with my pic and of course the beautiful thong. 100% birth control. Every guy feared about going down on their girl and seeing my face in their crotch. I'm shocked it didn't make national news.

JULY- I was interviewed by Dutch radio which was loads of fun. Thanks to Micha. I'm sure all five people who listened in Holland enjoy my life as a NYC comic.
July was really fucking hot. I just know I sweated a lot. I did a fun show in Pleasentville NY, to a bunch of cool housewives. Thats all I can remember.

AUGUST- Its still really hot. Shows are going well. I did a fun show in Waterbury, Ct where everyone was five years behind the times. Couldn't even hit on the girls there because they looked like they stepped off a Bon Jovi video. Oh yeah, why did you stand me up Chanel?

SEPTEMBER- Fantasy football starts and my Williamsburg Beavers get off to a 5-1 start. Worst show I did was at a Staten Island seafood restaraunt. Best fried Calamari I ever had but damn the room was so bad for comedy. Its those gigs you show up, do your thing, get paid and leave as soon as you fucking can. Red Sox are going to the playoffs.

OCTOBER- was all about the Red Sox. They finally fucking won it all. God dammitt. I'm still stunned. I don't think it will ever happen again. Plenty of memories. Coming back to defeat the hated Yankees brang me new confidence and enthusiasm. It was a great month.

NOVEMBER- November was cool for the variety of shows I did. I did a show for high school students, a blues bar with no white people and a synogogue for a singles mixer. I did all this in the matter of two weeks. Its fun to do different audiences. Makes you work your ass off and realize that if its funny, anyone can appreciate it.

DECEMBER- The weather is quite mild and I'm enjoying it. Did a great show in Hamptons, NY with all these drunk girls. Also filmed my first commercial where I played a major geek. It was such an awesome experience and I got free donuts. Eveyday I'll continue to have fun and I'll make it happen in double O 5.

peace and happy new year everyone.

MG

Great Gift ideas

2004-12-22T02:16:00.000-05:00

The holiday season is upon us and I know the gift that everyone should have. Its the Matty Goldberg hoody. Just click on to the store and presto, order it. My older sister just got back to New York from LA and she was wearing it. Damn they are cool. I begged her to borrow it for the rest of the week, and she was like "no way."

Dude, she loves it. Its really cool and hip and my image isn't too big. I'm going to get one for myself.

Ok, enough shameless promotion. The year is almost over and soon I will have my year in review. It was quite an interesting year. honestly I feel I could've accomplished more. But I took some nice steps to what I ultimately wanted to do.

I'm going to make it happen in double 05. I want to say happy birthday to my father and Alienbrain. Alienbrain complained no one called him to wish him a happy birthday except for me. But he said I called him everyday to wish him a happy birthday. Birthdays are cool. And on your birthday you deserve Steak Frites just like the Brain.

MG

MY Second house in the Hamptons

2004-12-19T23:06:00.000-05:00

Friday night I did a show in the Hamptons and it was a real blast. It was at this really cool rock club with really cool photos on the wall of some great artists. jimmy Cliff, The Band, even Paul Simon. I kind of felt honored to be on the stage. Even though I'm doing silly jokes.

Crowd was really drunk and rowdy, yet a lot of fun. If there is such thing as a good rowdy, then thats the Hamptons. There was a really cool table of four drunk girls, and I think if I put my time in, I might've scored. They kept yelling out grilled cheese in reference to one of my jokes.

After the show this lady gave me a weird compliment. "I saw you pacing back and forth before you went up, and I was a little disturbed who you were. But you just get really into it."

And thats right. Before I go up I pace like a madman or I pound my chest like a monkey. Other people have noticed my pacing as well, and they enjoy watching it. Its just a habit. I don't get nervous. I just get really focused or into doing my best.

It was cool driving through the Hamptons and seeing sailboats. i want to go there in the summertime and hit the beaches. Hell, I want a second home there just for the sake of being an ass. Maybe someday.

MG

BIRTHDAY WITH THE BRAIN

2004-12-16T02:40:00.000-05:00

It was AlienBrain's birthday so I took him out for Steak Frites after a good show. Here is the problem. i'm a struggling so we had to split the Steak Frites but it was damn good. Then the Brain had to split to his planet so i had his birthday cake but I owe him an Entemann's cupcake. i'm happy the Brain made it to 23. He lives his life on the edge. if the Brain gets through a few growing pains, he will live a damn sucessful life. For now he is a wondering child much like his idol John Lennon.

I got invited to a really cool Christmas party tomorrow. Its a comics private party and its known for its awesome food. I heard get there early. Its not the type of party you pick up chicks, but more of an honor. Its my first year I was invited so I'm pumped.

Maybe I'll have a cool story about it. Anyway, be well and I'll catch all you guys later.

MG

Geek Boy Lives

2004-12-13T01:33:00.000-05:00

I filmed the Geek boy infomercial this Saturday. Loads of fun. I will say acting is a great life. Especially when you get paid. I was pretty intense during filming. Yes, there was free donuts but i barely noticed. I really did my best to nail my lines. The lady who played the receptionist was cool, I had to really get into her face and creep her out and she never seem annoyed. Maybe i'll get that clip up here too. If I'm allowed by the producers.

My documentary should someday make it here. i don't know if internet does it justice though. It needs to be seen on a large screed television with stereo sound. Its that good. I'm telling you.

I'm doing a show Friday in the Hamptons. Never been there, but as you know its where all the rich celebs go to vacation. Who knows who will be in the crowd. One time in NYC Molly Ringwald was in the crowd and she wouldn't shut up. I kept staring at her to see if she was digging my stuff, but I couldn't tell. I guess I'll never know. I just remember she wouldn't shut up throughout the whole show.

Thats about it for now. Wanna wish my mom and Alienbrain a happy birthday and I wanna say hello to Caroline, my friend in Ireland.

peace
MG

I Don't Smell, I swear

2004-12-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

Did one of my top five worst shows last night. It was at a bar deep in Brooklyn. The crowd consisted of a really cool couple who laughed and had a good time. And then there were three rich girls from Norway who took a wrong turn and somehow found themselves at this filthy bar.

So I sit down next to them on this couch and one of the girls tells the other I smell. Dude, I don't smell. I showered two hours before the show and I know I did a good job, sometimes I don't.

So my comeback was weak. "you say I smell, but you guys come from a country where they don't shower."

Girls weren't happy with that, but fuck them. I take my personal hygiene very serious. I use really good soap. Most girls and guys will vouge for that.

OK, I'm done talking about my odor. I'm doing this great room Sunday night in midtown. Its at Iriqouis Hotel @ 8pm. Address is 44th between 5th and 6th. zbut if you go there and you smellme, I'll get you in free.

So come all Sunday night.

MG

No, I don't want to join your cheesy improv group.

2004-12-07T02:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a really good night. Brings me back to the early days of my comedy career. When I was excited about everything. Its god to feel that way. Even if the weather is real shitty. The dude who made my documentary was showing it to a bunch of the comics at the club and they all loved it. I can't wait until you all see it. But thats all I'll say.

Then on stage I just had so much fun. Fuck everything else. Thats what its all about. Being on stage, doing my thing and making people laugh. Whether its ten people or two-hundred. I'll stop at that.

I watched Bob Dylan interview on 60 minutes. He had some interesting things to say. People assume he has all this wisdom and he is as genuine as his lyrics. When the truth is, he is this moody, quiet guy who just wants to be left alone. But he plays music in his sixty's because its his calling and the thing that brings him inner-peace and makes him one with the world.

I'm not comparing myself to Bobby D. But I have found my calling too. And it doesn't matter what the environment is, if I'm doing my thing on stage, I feel I belong.

a filthy night

2004-12-06T13:27:00.000-05:00

This was a crazy weekend. I met new friends, I lost old ones. Met some psychotic girl named after a cheese who thinks I'm psychotic. I ate good pizza and I had really bad pizza, and I did some good comedy and well Sunday night was quite bad.

So its Sunday night. I'm at a comedy club anicipating my set. The crowd seems to be very small. It's actualy seven 16 year-old kids who all came together. The mc didn't want to deal with them because comics hate teenagers. Its hard to relate to acne-ridden kids who just got theit liscense. So the club summons me to host.

I get on stage and these kids are really dumb. Their phones keep ringing and they keep making fun of each other. But I did my best. I sunk to their level for the good of the show and I'm sad to say they liked me. They hated everyone else though. And by the fifth comic, they walked out on the middle of his set and made a run for the door.

And the little fuckers escaped. No one in the club saw it coming. They skipped a 75 dollar bill. This was a night it wasnt fun to do comedy. I pretty much altered my act for these ungrateful shits. I did all my dirty stuff. And there was clean stuff I wanted to work on. May these little bastards get coal in their stocking for X-mas.

USHER IS So HOT

2004-12-02T01:55:00.000-05:00

Check out the updated schedule on the Me & My Schedule page and sign up for my newsletter while you're there.

I just got a call I'll be filming an infomercial for a pharmicutical company next week. When I auditioned, it was for the part known as 'Geekboy.' Guess I can't hide the fact. Its going to be loads of fun. The scene consists of me annoying the hell out of a receptionist at a DR.'s office and being a geek. Its very funny. i'll tell you how the filming goes. Hopefully free donuts will be provided on the set.

Besides that, here are a few things going on in my head.

I'm starting to get recognized on the street. Three random times this month has a stranger told they saw me perform. The best compliment/putdown at the same time was this lady. "When you walked on stage, I was like cool a nerd. I can enjoy this."

Yes the revolution is here. Nerds will inherit the earth.

I have an eclectic taste of bad music. In one day I lisened to a cd by OPETH, sweedish hippie, death metal that only can be appreciated by adult Dungeons and Dragons gamers. And Ween; a band that is made for drug addicts. Now if thats not a nerd, what is?

My fantasy football team is falling apart. The Williamsburg Beavers once were the kings. Now we are fighting for our playoff lives. Each week on my league's message board, I annoy everyone with cliche-ridden team speaches and use the term "heart," as if that matters in a more or less nerd sport.

Ok, thats it for now. I'll tell you all about Thursday. i can't wait. God bless bloggin was invented.

MG

MASPETH AVE.

2004-11-30T02:49:00.000-05:00

Sunday did two good shows. One of those nights, yer timing just clicks and everything flows. Also you feel so free, that you are able to come up with new material on stage. Ok, so thats that.

I'm walking home in my neighborhood in Brooklyn and I run into this really cool guy I met in college. He happens to be best friends with one of my friends from college and from that we hit it off. He is a singer in a band and he lives with all his bandmates in the coolest pad on Maspeth Ave. he invited me over and we chilled with his roomies, their ladies and a little recreational fun.

I once booked his band (Movie Life) to play at Purchase College. (my alma mater) So they bring this opening band (Rookie Lot) too and the guys are giving me a lot of shit. There is a curfew when the show must end. I'm telling these jerk-0ffs to start playing or else the other bands will have their sets cut short. And they are just being dicks, fooling around with their instruments. I had this exchange with the guitar player.

Me- Why aren't you guys playing?

guitar douche- don't worry about it.

Me- No, I am worried.

guitar douche- don't worry about it.

Me- I am worried

asshole fuckface guitar player- don't worry about it.

Ok, that continued for five more minutes. The battle of two nitwits. I finaly gave the band a nasty lecture. I told them they could jerk me around, but if they have that attitude they will never make it in the music biz. They changed their name to 'Brand New,' and I think their last cd sold like 500,000 copies. If anybody is familiar with emo music, they are big time. Perhaps I don't know shit.

So we reminisced about that and then watched my documentary which will be on the website soon. It rocks people. I watch it all the time because I have serious problems of loving myself.

So what makes this pad so cool? Everybody sleeps in the basement and its like sleep away camp. Its a giant room with five or six beds set up. It must be weird when everyone is sleeping. I wonder if they tell ghost stories.

But I hope to be back. If I wasn't doing comedy, I'd want to be in a band. Thats my fantasy. We did have a nice chat about the similarities and differences of music and comedy. There is something about comedy, because you are all by yourself. Its not three other guys with you. Just you, and a microphone. Though Vinny, the dude from Movie Life is a damn good singer, he told me when he says something funny in between a song he gets a giant rush when the crowd explodes in laughter. Its fucking beautiful power.

MG

International House of Matty

2004-11-28T03:36:00.000-05:00

I'm back in the city this Saturday and damn there are a lot of people in New York City. i took this really cool girl from Russia to lunch. She is originaly from the Ukrainian section so what better place to take her then the finest Ukranian Diner, Vaselka. The Russian beauty let me know Vaselka means, a place to meet and talk. Vaselka means to me a decent cup of chicken soup and really bad service.

It just so happens that Vaselka isn't too authentic because our waiter was Polish, and he hated us. his haircut sucked too. He looked like a poodle. From then, it was on to comedy where the Russian girl invited her friend from Kuwait to come see me perform. Oh, she also invited this very white girl from Connecticut who figure skates. So I did my thing on stage and it went well. I was a little rusty though. I need to go on stage everyday to be sharp. Thanksgiving threw me off dammit. Then again I'm a tough critic on myself. The girls were impressed so thats all that matters.

So now the girl from Kuwait was excited to meet all her high school friends, who were planning a Kuwaite reunion in NYC. She was so excited she was starting to hallucinate. One of those lame-o ten people tourist bikes peddled by and she thought it was her Kuwait buds. So she starts chasing it down the street and screaming. Ended up being a bunch of Asian tourists. Very embarresing.

So I end up at a karaoke bar with a whole clan of really nice Kuwait college kids. They really have embraced American culture as tears streamed down their eyes when belting out that Hoobastank ballad. It was a long day and I kept knodding off but it was really warm to see how much everyone missed each other.

Finally I had a chance to rock the mic with 'Stacy's Mom,' but I stunk so bad. I was embaressed. I'll say it now, karaoke is tougher then stand-up.

After that, my night was over. Could barely keep my eyes open. I have two shows tomorrow and I'm so excited. I guess everyday is fun. I really learned alot today. I think I'm becoming less of an ignoramus.

THANKSGIVING MAKES ME SLEEPY

2004-11-26T01:58:00.000-05:00

So I'm home at my parents house in Wodstock, NY. Don't remember much of the day. I slept, I ate and I slept some more. Wow. Watched a little of the Macy's Parrade and I was really bored. Actualy I haven't left the house today. I'm wearing sweatpants with a huge whole in the crotch.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because its the one day of the year my family comes together and doesn't fight. Its always civil and everyone seems really happy to be with each other. I tried to stir things up with my dinner time conversation. Told everyone I was seeing a 19 year old girl on Saturday and my parents thought it was a little wrong. My sister came to my defense and let my parents know that 19 was completely legal. Thanks sis.

I guess thats what Thanksgiving is being about. Just resting, doing nothing and talking about young girls. So its 1 am and I'm eager to get back on the stage. I'm going to write tonight and hopefully finish a bit I've been working on. Then again JackAss is on so I might just watch that.

I have one more day in Woodstock and it gets more exciting. In the afternoon I play football with high school friends and within thirty minutes, I'll be out of breath. At night its to a loca bar where my high school class meets up to see how everyone is doing. Believe it or not I was such a mess in high school that my appearence now makes me look like an investment banker. Most people thought I'd be dead by now. Many more shocks to come.

MG

6 minutes on 60 minutes

2004-11-22T02:22:00.000-05:00

So the documentary piece is done and it looks really damn good. Its over six minutes long and looks like something you would see on 60 Minutes. The guy who edited actualy works for 48 Hours and MTV so he certainly knows what he is doing. He did a brilliant job and I can't wait until its on the website.

I stopped by his house to get a copy of it and he was on the phone to MTV pitching ideas for Spring Break shows.
I had a great idea for a show. 'SPRING BREAK WITH MATTY GOLDBERG.' As I suggested the show, I ripped off my shirt and was topless in this dude's apartment. I was doing this simply to show the power of this show.

The dude wasn't too happy. He demanded I put my shirt back on. But i was caught in the moment. I think I would make a fine damn host for MTV. Esp. shirtless and in bathing trunks. I have a few other ideas for shows, but I'm keeping them quiet.

Bottomline, the documentary looks amazing. I have other big news, but I will save it for another time. My schedule should be updated very soon. So keep checking. Peace out.

MG

If you speak Dutch

2004-11-17T03:52:00.001-05:00

I was on a dutch radio program about comedy. here is the long ass link.

www.vpro.nl/programma/devonden/afleveringen/189326771.com

go to the far right corner and select deavonden (do) 2004 04 nov 4 2004 uur 2.

the piece starts 9 minutes in. im up 30 minutes in. my voice is overdubben in Dutch. I don't remember what I said. Probably how wonderful comedy is. I need a translater. Anyone?

I want to thank Micha for doing the piece on me. It was lots of fun. just hope the netherlands doesn't think of me as Orny Adams. I'm not bitter just yet.

If anyone listens, please tell me what you heard. My computer really blows. Documentary filming is almost over. hopefully it will be up here.

Its 3am, need to sleep.

MG

If you speak Dutch

2004-11-17T03:52:00.000-05:00

Sad Song of The Road

2004-11-12T05:40:00.000-05:00

This Saturday I will be heading on a train to Stamford, Connecticut for a gig at a wonderful place, 'Tirsty Turtle.' I know what you all are thinking. New town, Matty will conquer by kicking ass and spreading seed with a couple a nice ladies backstage. No, the road is lonely. Its a train ride looking out at pastures. And this is Alienbrain country. We will meet up, eat a lonely meal at a tavern and then play a few hours of chess. Then its on to the stage to be a monkey and throw feces at the people. And I'm back on the train heading home with an empty bedroom. I feel like Bon Jovi, when he wrote 'Dead Or ALive.' Here is my sad song. This is dedicated to a beautiful girl whom I just met Skittles the kid."

I'm back on the road
Got nowhere special to go
The comic before me just did a scooby doo voice
he really fucking blows

All the ladies leave me
for so-called better guys
truth is their just rodeo clowns
same as me but in disguise

(chorus) Cause I'm a Monkey
with funny shit to throw
I'm wanted with Tubes up my Nose

I perform for synagogues
and the schwartzes too.
They usualy like me
but I'll never be cool.

Its a long strange trip
I'm having a ball
On average I see 14 new faces
And I rocked them all.

Chorus: Cause I'm a monkey
with funny shit to throw
I'm wanted, I said wanted with tubes in my nose.

picture it with Bon jovi music. I really dont know if this was funny. but its from the heart ala, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi and MC Hammer. See you guys in Stamford.

MG

A night at the temple

2004-11-11T02:10:00.000-05:00

Its a synogogue deep in Brooklyn. There is a festive atmosphere. The crowd may be a few years behind the time, but they are eager to hear comedy. Before the show 'Mambo no 5' is playing and I'm thinking this is the Macarena of 1999. I'm in a time machine five years behind lame, popular culture.

Im at a table going through my comedy notes. What I'm really doing is weeding out all the curse words and making sure everything is super clean. The promoter introduces me to this older lady and she wants to talk comedy.

"There is this great program at eleven pm," she says. "I love Lucy"

"Yes, very funny," I say.

"you know I read this article in Readers Digest that laughing is a great way to prevent disease and can be a great remedy of healing someone who is sick."

Wow, what do I say? This conversation isn't going anywhere. I'm just agreeing to be nice. But I'm in a good mood so I play along. Part of me wishes I was in a regular comedy club, flirting with bimbos and promising to take them to a cool bar. But hey thats a lie too. I mean I just sit there and tell them what they want to hear.

So I do the show and it goes real well. I had to be clean and I was. Plus I wasn't obscene in any way, and got plenty of nice compliments after the show. And sure, I do feel like I lifted some spirits there.

But I am a jewish fraud. I played up my last name so they would like me more. Yet I fucked up the holidays. At the end of the night I wished the crowd a happy passover. Oops, thats in April. They looked at me strange waiting for a punchline.

"I mean Chanukah?"

Oh well. I swear I'm jewish.

MG

Culture of Comedy

2004-11-10T01:46:00.000-05:00

When you are a struggling comic, you play any room. Anywhere there is a microphone and there are two crowd members, then its a show. Right now I'm doing everything. Monday night I found myself at Frank's Lounge in Brooklyn. Didn't know much about it but its a bar for blues and jazz. Meaning most of the regulars are black.

Me being a dumbass, I assumed the whole crowd would hate me, and wouldn't be able to appreciate a little jewish boy. But I had a great time. The crowd really warmed up to me and some of the regulars asked to me come back.

So tomorrow I'm performing at a synogogue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn for a jewish singles event. It don't pay much but the promoter assured me I would find a nice jewish girl. I tried to explain to him jewish girls hate me. Probably all girls hate me. But they are looking for a nice mensch, lawyer. I'm a fucking animal.

I don't celebrate any of the holidays, never been barmitsvahed and I think Jesus is kind of cool. Its those TV evangelists and republicans who distorted his shit. See I'm making no sense and therefore these girls will hate me.

I'm just going to do my comedy, make some people laugh, go home, take a shit and shower.

But, HEY LADIES!!! (thats dedicated to someone, you know who you are)

MG

Sunday Phone Call

2004-11-08T01:38:00.000-05:00

i got this phonecall from a former high school friend I hadn't seen in years. The last time I saw him I was in the hospital. I was recovering from brain tumor surgery and the kid drove me nuts. You would not believe the stuff this kid did. he brought me the most heinous hardcore porn mag thinking i would enjoy it.

When you are in the hospital recovering from two, ten hour brain surgerys the last thing you think about are disgusting vagina lips. Then this kid ate my two day old hospital food and demanded he lie on my bed. Wasn't exactly a warm visitor.

So I wrote a short play and soon to be short movie about his visit. on the phone I told him about it. He felt really bad and responded with, "I was just a dumb kid."

I'm questioning whether I should have told him about it. But now he is demanding a copy of the script. I'm reluctant to give it to him because it ain't very flattering. Though we talked today and its bringing back good memories. As seniors in high schools, us two dorks saw Pantera together and we had a great time.

WALK, RESPECT. YOU TALKING TO ME!!!

A lot of the documentary was shot this week. Plenty of interviews were done with comics and there is some good footage of my pre-stage routine. Its going to be funny.

Sorry my schedule isn't up. I know I'll be in Stamford, Connecticut this Saturday. Its a fun place and a great crowd. Tomorrow I'm at Frank's Lounge in Brooklyn. 660 Fulton St. Hopefully it will be a good time. Catch you all soon.

MG

US AND THEM

2004-11-03T02:39:00.000-05:00

The election isn't over yet. As you can see I'm really hoping Kerry pulls it off. I'll just say we can analyze the election all we want. The debates, certain issues, etc. Bottomline is there is a whole vast country of conservatives out there. And there are more of them then us.

My best example. Two summers ago I did a road gin in the middle of Jersey. The crowd took one look at my pussy, jewish face, and they wanted to lynch me. I didn't get through one joke. My point is, this was freakn New Jersey. One-hundred miles south of liberal, New York City. Imagine all those other places like South Carolina, West Virginia? Lets face it. If you live in New York and you are used to the anti-Bush buttons, reading the Village Voice and walking in Chelsea.

I will digress. I was trying to talk politics with another comic. He said, "stick to reading your journal."